alive or really living.

the past month of life has been a rollercoaster. however, through it all, the Lord has been so good to reveal to me some Truth about what He has provided and assured me of His grip on my life.

recently, i was talking to a friend about life, and we had both been caught up in discontentment where we currently were. at first, we had to take a honest view at the heart to make sure there wasn't a spirit of laziness or just boredom with the post-college monotony of life. what a wake-up call to see if i am being a neat Christian at work or truly striving to be a vessel the Lord is using wherever He has me. ultimately, it caused me to look deep into this heart to see the gifts i believe the Lord has given me to impact this culture. i have been camping out in 1 peter for awhile and this passage has really been resonating with my soul over the past few weeks:

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." - 1 Peter 4:8-11

first, i love the urgency, zeal, and passion that is captured in the word "fervent". i don't remember the last time i was fervent about serving or loving anyone besides... myself. that's always great.. but, seriously, if we loved others in a way that was without self-seeking motives or striving to profit in some way, but truly cared about another. wow! how beautiful a love and how attractive that would be to actually care.

next, we must recognize the gift that has been given, and we must be a good steward of using that. this is where life, living, feeling alive comes to play! oh what a blessing and a thrill to be used as an instrument or vessel of the King. So, if your gift is teaching, what are you doing about it? are you putting yourself in a place to disciple, mentor, lead a small group, teach high school kids? and when you speak, are you speaking with authority and strength of the utterances of the Living God? if my gift is encouragement, am i pushing others and encouraging them in a way that will spur them on to love and good deeds? am i encouraging outside of my comfort zone and speaking truth to others, not just to make them feel better about life, but to ultimately point them to the cross of my precious Christ? do i challenge others to take a honest view of their life and realize the gravity of our sin and yet the unfathomable beauty of the grace that has been given?

after processing these verses and thoughts over the past few weeks, i was at the 5 o'clock service at the village tonight, and Matt made a comment that completely struck a chord with me. he was talking about the beauty of reconciliation, and that we have all been given gifts to serve in the body. however, there is unity in the calling of us as believers to the ministry of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21) so, how are we living our lives in a way to love different and truly become an ambassador to the culture we find ourselves in?

just some great thoughts going through my head at an embarrassing time in the wee hours of the night. oh, that we might live and praise the One who has made us ALIVE!

thoughts.com

have you ever thought about things that define your life? if you could pick a list of your top ten things that make you feel like you are truly alive, what would they be?

well "introspective jenn" took over, and i have been really trying to process life right now, and discover who the Lord has intricately made me. where do my passions, convictions, and talents lie?

do you remember how when you were a kid and someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, you immediately thought of the biggest word that was an occupation you knew? i would always say "vetnarians" because i thought it meant i could play with dogs like our black lab, star, all day long. little did i know, a short 11 years later i would be in dallas working in marketing and discovering all about the "real world" as we know it.

so i sit here, contemplating, when i feel most alive. i have compiled a few ideas:

--long walks watching the sun rise or set (especially by a lake or something naturally beautiful).
it's always good to be reminded of the beauty of God's creation and that we serve a God who has been more faithful than the sun rising or setting every day.

--conversations that stir, sharpen, and challenge my way of thinking.
my goodness, i am the first to admit that i am stubborn in my thinking. how good it is to sit amongst close friends, wrestle with truth and ideas, and strive to know more about the character and work of the Lord.

--nonfat vanilla chai lattes in big mugs with a book, journal, or friend sitting in front of me.
there's nothing like this combo, which comes in a variety: but this is my escape. (shhh don't tell) i love going somewhere with a big book or friend, a warm cup of joe, and diving into dialogue, processing, or truth.

--great music perfectly paired with a run/walk outside or driving on a beautiful day with the windows down.
music stirs my soul whether it be worship or my favorite coldplay song. either way, there is something about the wind or the heat from the sun on your skin while feeling almost free from the worries of this world.

--chocolate chip cookies and laughter.
simply put. nothing beats the preparation, cookie dough "testing" stage, and final product. combine with friends you love deeply and you will find yourself in some of the best memories.

--hearing about people's passion and what fires them up.
passion. zeal. it fires me up. get me in a conversation with someone talking deeply about their passions and i will become the giddiest person alive. dream big and don't settle. the Lord is the creator of our hearts and our desires, so chase hard after them with faith.

--running in the rain without any distraction. just you, the pavement, your stride, and God's creation.
if you haven't tried it, you should. there is something about falling rain (beware of lightning - probably not the best idea) coupled with a nice jog that clears your head and makes you forget the distance you have gone. you might get some crazy stares from people driving by, but really, who cares?!

if you can think of something that really makes you feel alive, do tell. i'm always looking:)

live with passion and boldness today. this life is short enough as it is and if you are not living with purpose and conviction, seek hard to find it. He is enough. He is truly enough.

give and take.

it has been an interesting week so far. this weekend we found out that my sister, megan could be having landry at any time. new life being born so soon. a breath of air breathed deeply into the life of a beautiful girl by a Father who loves her far more than any earthly man or woman could. in the same weekend, we heard news that a close family friend and "almost second daughter" to my dad lost the battle with cancer late Saturday night. at only 32 years of age, Kelly went to be with our Lord leaving two beautiful girls under the age of 7 behind here on earth. To me this week is such a paradox. The Lord giving new life to our family and yet taking away another precious life to be with Him far earlier than planned by our own eyes. 

death is such a hard concept to grasp. it is not natural and it is not easy. i remember back a few years ago when david passed away, i wanted to be angry at the Lord for all of the pain and hurt i was feeling. i was looking for someone to blame. ultimately, we don't know why the Lord chose to take kelly or david home to be with him this early, but we do know that the Lord is good and He is faithful. i believe, sometimes the Lord takes a life in order to draw others closer to Him. i know the only way i was able to process and grieve through the loss of david was to see the amount of people who were spurred on and drawn to the cross of Christ in that time. it is a blessing for me to know that ultimately david completed on this earth what his life dream and goal was. i remember a specific conversation on valentine's day at cold stone in college station my freshman year talking to david and hearing about his previous battle with cancer before his present remission. i asked him if he was ever scared about the cancer coming back (just a month before it returned). his response with confidence and without waver was "if the Lord could bring one more person to Christ by me going through cancer again then I would go through it over and over for His Glory alone". Ultimately, i know of around 17 people who would not be walking intimately with our Lord if they had not walked through David's final bout with cancer. 

this week just serves as such a paradox in my life. He has taken Kelly early to be with Him, and yet in a few short days we will be experiencing new life with landry entering the world. this is such a reminder that the Lord's plan is perfect, and our day are numbered. events like these define your life, in the sense that they make you stop in your tracks and reevaluate what is important and vital in this life. above all, the gospel and our work for the eternal kingdom is of the most importance in this life, so i pray that we might take this reminder to spur us on to speak Truth and Love to others around us. He is to be glorified, He is to be praised, and He is to be trusted in these hard times of suffering and in these new stages of life. He alone is good, and loves us far more than we deserve. 

so we celebrate a life lived well and wait in anticipation for the start of another's journey to knowing Him...

a tribute of thanksgiving..

holidays.. yes. it's that time of year. in approximately one week (give or take a day), we will be celebrating one of the best holidays in our country: thanksgiving. a time to reflect. a time to remember. a time to give thanks. so in order to commemorate and do this holiday justice but also keep the blog on a lighter note (i have a tendency to delve deeper), i will rattle off jennifer's top ten things she is thankful for but usually doesn't make the official list in 2008..

#1 headbands

to start it off lightly, i don't know what i would do without a good sturdy headband for those messy hair days. nothing pulls a "[hair]do-disaster" out of the dumps better than a cute piece of metal preferably with a flower or an object asymmetrically placed on the side. it has been known to take an outfit from good to great. i love wikipedia even more for the following description of headbands:

"During the 1980s, headbands were associated with rock and roll music, particularly with Bruce Springsteen, Olivia Newton-John, and Mark Knopfler. In Japanese culture, hachimaki headbands may symbolise determination or devotion." - Direct correlation: In Grease Olivia Newton-John showed determination in her hit single "You're the One that I want!"

#2 wii

this invention is something that i have recently become thankful for. my brother and megan bought the wii over the weekend. of course, we used this game to put our sibling rivalry to the test.. a little competition never hurt anybody. after playing tennis, bowling, boxing, baseball, golf... i was 1) starting to perspire from the video game workout (seriously?) 2) satisfied beyond belief for being able to beat my brother in bowling, boxing, and golf. ladies and gentleman, the playing field has finally been levelled. thank you wii for bringing back healthy competition in the leftwich family and also a great workout for my arms (still sore).

#3 holiday cups at starbucks

very few things early in the morning put me in a better mood than the Christmas adorned cups from Starbucks.. stop by and visit your local barista today... "grande soy chai latte"- hot and ready to get you just in the spirit for the season (note: you will be supporting the man in this endeavor, but it is worth it in this season of love)

#4 sassy samone

if you don't know what i'm talking about, then i will enlighten. sassy samone has been my faithful companion for two years now. she is my charcoal Xterra who has driven to missouri and back, my family's cabin in new mexico, as well as all over the state of texas. she has never experienced a break down and has had her fair share of curb checks. she's the perfect companion for those days you just need to drive. (made possible more often with the lower gas prices, thank goodness) she's also very supportive when you are needing that partner in spontaneous action and always willing to be a part of the ride. sassy samone, thank you for your patience with my driving and from as my dad says "getting me from point a to point b"

#5 iTunes playlists/mixes

one of my all time favorite things is making cd mixes for friends. i love finding good music, placing similar sounds on a cd together, then blaring in sassy samone on the way to work while watching the sunrise. there is something about a good song that moves me. i associate memories, both good and bad, with music and songs that i listened to during that time. this past semester i remember feeling so at peace in a coffee shop in college station when i was sitting there, journalling about some frustrations in my life, when all of a sudden, "let it be" by the beatles came on. no, the beatles are not a god. but, something about that song moved me and spurred me to continue digging deeply and reflecting on all He has done.

#6 school crosswalk volunteers

this one might surprise you, but my senior year in college, i picked up a girl from elementary school every day and was her nanny. on the way to school i would pass this old man with his glasses and cowboy hat standing on the street by the crosswalk of another school we passed waiting for kids to cross. it never failed that everyday when i passed he would be there, raise his arm, and give me a million dollar smile with his strong wave. it always made me feel warm inside. to this day one of my favorite random things about college station.

#7 twilight

some of you are hating this right now. yes, i was sucked into this crazy following that is the twilight book series. but i will tell you this: i'm not crazy like most. go to youtube and you will find many personal fan-created videos with sappy love songs and clips from previews. i have not gone that far with my liking of this. you will not see me in the movie theater sobbing in the previews because i will finally meet my edward cullen. no, i will go see the movie. i will finish the series, quite quickly, might i add. but i love twilight, because it has reinstated my love and passion for reading. i love these books and getting in bed, cuddled up in sweats, and reading for hours until who knows what time. there is something to be said for losing track of time as a cause of a good book. thank you stephenie meyer.

#8 yogalicious

a new addition to the west village development and conveniently only 2 minutes from my work. this hot spot has 10 different self serve yogurts where you will choose your yogurt (cookies & cream/blueberry are my personal favorites) and add your toppings to it, whatever you like. (i recommend the raspberries and blueberries). you pay by the ounce so it is all up to you. might i also add that there is like 30 calories in an ounce. it is divine and dangerous.

#9 nieces

it is only fitting that i am thankful for my beautiful niece who is on the way: miss landry kay leftwich. i cannot wait to meet her, teach her some dance moves, and play all night while mommy and daddy have date night. she is coming in a mere 2 months and i could not be more ecstatic.

#10 worthwhile reality tv

when i say worthwile, i am referring to heroes and the office. although these shows are wildly different, they are both genius in production. heroes gets weirder by the episode, but yet when you are watching it you feel like the most intelligent person in the room trying to put it all together and seeing who sylar will kill or love next. the office on the other hand has finally put an "office space-esque" spin on real life. the satire, the jokes, the awkwardness... we thrive on it, because it seems so very real and yet we can relate to it. these shows are the only two (besides so you think you can dance and lost) that i have gotten into and don't mind taking time out of my day to watch. thank you nbc.

there you have it: a very random accumulation of things you don't normally find on a "thankful" list. in all honestly, i am thankful for where the Lord has me, what He has given, what He has taken, and feel immensely blessed by who He has surrounded me with. thank you for blessing my life. thank you for supporting me in my transition drama. thank you for being used. i'm thankful for this next season the Lord is directing. thank you for reading my novel of a post. if you got down to the bottom, please comment with anything truly great and overlooked that you think belongs on my list. until then, peace out.

sassy.

friendships. they are so good. in one minute they understand you when you are crying, and in another minute they make you laugh hysterically.

Exhibit A:

friends are supportive. there when you need them the most. there when you are freaking out about something so small and are hyperfocused on something because it is the "end of the world" and "life won't go on". i still remember my first summer at kanakuk after david's funeral, going back to kabin 17 at kanakuk for the last five days of first term. my girls had draped all of their bras around the room and put signs everywhere that stated "we support you, jenn", "lift a sister up" "we're here to support you" ha. that was so clever and yet, so hilarious. 

i look at my community of people the Lord has surrounded with me with. from my incredible, stable, and solid family that i grew up with who showed me the love of Him first before anything else. then i see the group of girls the Lord surrounded me with in high school. man, we could laugh and be silly. and yet, there were two that challenged me to grow in my faith and truly served as friends that were like "iron sharpening iron". i remember thinking i could never have friends closer than these friends. then i ventured off to college station and there i met so many incredible, different, diverse people who challenged me to think for myself, seek truth, and believe it fully. these people allowed me to let down, reveal my insecurities, be NOT okay, and to live and love deeply in my relationships. now post college world. i REALLY never thought i could find friends deep who were anything like those in college station. i'm still growing deeper with these friendships but the Lord has immensely blessed me with girls who are seeking truth deeply. they are supportive and have hearts to be the hands and feet of our Father. i have been blessed with girls who are not okay with just sitting back and being spectators of the faith. they are willing to get their hands dirty. the first to give up a saturday and serve. the first to help one another out on a mission trip or give to something they are passionate about. God is good. He knows my heart. He knows my need right now in those hard days for deep, meaningful, and spirit-filled convos. He knows my hurts, my pains, my desires. sometimes He leads us to a fire, to an uncomfortable place, to a refining state. yet He never leaves. He never forsakes us. INSTEAD, He holds our hand in the fire. He takes us to a place where we are too uncomfortable on our own. to a place we must lean on Him for guidance, for rest, for direction. that is faith. that is where trust comes into play. not knowing what the next two months might look like and even though right now might be a little hard, He's got it. He sees my life in totality. and He has held me thus far. the Lord is good and worthy of far more credit than we give Him. I look forward to the day i can look back and say "there is no way i could have gotten through that or be where i am today besides the Lord's grace". He is good. He is faithful. He is all we need.

life lately..

has been insane. I am transitioning into this post-college, professional lifestyle and keep having these moments where i still feel like i am "playing" adult life. It doesn't seem real that i could be this old, but also I always thought that the end of college would be the end of good times. I think this is because college is hyped up so much, and you always hear people saying "man, college is the best!" "remember that time in college... that's the best time in your life". I was kinda cynical and bitter because of hearing these statements growing up and throughout my past 4 years. What's awesome is that there have definitely been broken and hard times in the past 6 months, but it has been some of the most exciting times in my life! Let me explain..

1. Brokenness
i know it sounds crazy, but i love not knowing where life is leading (sometimes). And for the first time I feel like the Lord is giving me a broken heart for the lost around me instead of me judging them. it is so refreshing and exciting to see the "light" in the darkness and see the "peace" in Him that transcends all understanding. there is something beautiful in the breakdown (thank you, imogen heap)

2. Community
I have been extremely blessed from my living situation to my small group of girls and other aggie girls i am surrounded with in d-f-dub area. living with katy and lauren has been a place of continual rest, continual laughter, and continual baking/dance parties. then my small group of girls have really challenged me to be vulnerable, honest, real, and not say "the things we should always say around church people" at Bible study. it is exciting to be truly known and to know each other deeply in our struggles an dour hurts. Let's be honest, we all want to be known in some shape or form, so i know i wouldn't survive without this community and they keep me going during my hard work weeks. (and bring me chik-fil-a treats when i haven't eaten dinner:D) the best.

3. Coffee
I know this is going to sound random. Coffee is an INTEGRAL part of my life right now. I am obsessed with a coffee shop called crooked tree in uptown about 8 minutes from my work. (i've timed it) I have always wanted to become a regular somewhere and this past week I had my life-defining moment where it happened. I walked in and Joshua, the barista, said, "Your hair looks different today, and good. Vanilla chai, nonfat?" Even if it was a small gesture, it felt good to be known yet again. :) Also, over the past 2 weeks, carly, lauren and i have been dreaming a dream and are pretty excited about opening a college town coffee shop in the next few years.... oh my gosh. i'm so excited to see what will turn out and we did a little market research this morning over a pumpkin scone... absolutely glorious.

4. Books
For the first time in awhile, I have been able to read for pleasure and forgot how much i love curling up in my sweats in my bed and reading for hours. I have already read Same Kind of Different as Me and am currently working on A Severe Mercy. Both so good. But i have to confess, which this will be embarassing, that i have gotten sidetracked by another good book Twilight. Coming to theaters near you, very very soon:)

5. Scarves, Heaters, Pumpkin Spice Lattes
I'm excited to have a REAL fall/winter. I feel more at home in Dallas, because cold weather has finally made its visitation and it is finally time to get excited about the holiday season. To be honest, it was very hard to be excited about thanksgiving in College Station when you are wearing a t-shirt and shorts walking around. There is something to be said for the feeling of walking outside with a scarf wrapped twice around your neck, holding a decadent, warm pumpkin spice latte in hand, and climbing in a warm car.

6. Cookie dough, conversations, chill nights
I feel like i have some of the best conversation and quality time with people sitting on my couch, eating spoonfuls of deliciousness, and laughing one minute to talking deeply about life, struggles, loves, dreams, and work. Man, God is so good.

I'm sure I'll add to the list more, but I wanted to give an update on life, since I have been a litte lax on blogging as of late. As for now, I'm back to work then to High School Musical 3 tonight after. Yeah, don't judge. You know you secretly have been getting "Your Head In the Game" to go see the film. i've got my vocal cords ready to sing along with the 2,000 teeny boppers who will be there tonight... until then, live life and love radically today because you have been given breath. seize it! peace.

for those tough days..

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

may i remember this on those days where i feel alone, and am surrounded by darkness. this war is eternal. may i strive for truth, strive for light, and not succumb to the pressures of becoming comfortable in my flesh and in this world. may i be bold in proclaiming His Goodness and care about those around me enough to share truth, love, and light with him.

late night thoughts.

things that stir my affections for Him:

1. being still and reflecting

2. journaling at crooked tree

3. coffee

4. early to bed and early to rise

5. phil wickham/bethany dillon/good music

6. sunrises and sunsets

7. long walks/runs outside

8. the bridge

things that pull me away:

1. the inability to say "no"

2. wasted hours of internet/tv

3. lack of sleep

4. trying to make a joke at the expense of something else

5. busyness/scheduling my life with too many "dates"

6. money/greed

may i saturate my life with the above and war with my flesh on the second list. may i know myself better than the enemy does: by looking at those nooks, those hidden places where i wish to forget about and view myself in a better light. may i be aware of my struggles, my flesh, my filth, and be uncomfortable with the presence of it in my life. may i stop seeking the approval of others and look to the One who truly matters. may the Lord guide my steps and speak through me on those rough days. may this body be fully dependent on Him, the author and perfecter of my life, whom breathed life into me and i was alive. praise Him. i am truly His.

closure

today is the last official day of my internship. official being, the internship program is done at Tom Landry, but since i go to a&m and they require ridiculous amounts of hours i still have two more days. in honor of closure and finishing this chapter of my life i thought i would honor those people i have worked with the past 3 months.

the gorgeous 7 acre park with a running trail. so beautiful and relaxing. my first friday here on my 22nd birthday we had a huge employee appreciation picnic in this park. imagine 6000 Baylor employees, circus clowns, rap music, food, and picture buttons. entertaining to say the least.

here is personal training at its best:) this is the sweetest old man who let us take a picture of him during his workout. we goof around a lot and let me tell you this was quite the funny pic.

here is the actual facility. beautiful beautiful. lots of laughter, practical jokes, and fun.

this is becca. one of the interns. her face sums up our experience together. we are goofy, hilarious, and lots of fun. we laugh at least once a day and all come from such different backgrounds. the Lord has stretched me so much this summer and shown me how to love others who are different than i am. one of the interns is an outspoken atheist, and i have loved being able to talk to all of them and hopefully show them a different love, the love of Christ, that transcends all knowledge.

here is christina. the other girl intern. we went to the Texas Rangers game followed by an Eli Young concert. such a blast. this summer has been a gift and i have loved every second of it. the Lord knew where He had me and i know this next stage of life is going to be adventure.

i'm going to stop. i'm getting super sentimental. just some insight into my life over the past couple months. peace.

changes. ch ch changes.

So, i'm feeling really broken right now. i just keep crying a whole lot and can't stop. Did you ever go through a time like that?? I cried on the way to work, cried on the way to Starbucks, started crying walking into tom landry this morning.. i'm feeling incredibly broken right now and it's a beautiful thing but so hard too. i have been praying or just thinking about how i have wanted the Lord to soften my heart and make it weak to His touch. I want to love what He loves, strive for what matters, and see daily, minute by minute, the opportunities He has laid out before me. i just can't stop crying and i think that's also a mixture of exhaustion as well as brokenness.

I am starting to realize more and more how much this life is pressed for time. time is an issue for everyone. "Oh, I just can't do that. I don't have enough time." "Wow. I'm just way too busy. Sorry." "I'm exhausted right now. I just don't have the time to do that." Everyone is busy in their own mind. We all think that what we have is more important than someone else. Its so selfish and sickening to say that, but it is so true. I realize, even more recently, that the more my time gets squeezed, sometimes the harder it is to say no to people I care about and make time for reading and alone time. Even when i want to read, sometimes i get a sudden case of ADD where i can't focus and i can't open my Bible. Or there is the other extreme when all of a sudden I just want to diagnose myself with a bad case of narcolepsy. Either way, I see how important and vital my time is with my growth as a woman hoping to become more like Him. With this importance, it is evident that the enemy wants to distract, busy, and attack any attempt of time pursuing Him. I have felt this and I'm sure you have to at some point or another. Just some thoughts on struggles recently..

Speaking of busy times, this month is going to be crazy. I feel as if I'm not going to even stop and have a chance to process all of the changes. (cue music "changes.. ch ch changes") I will list you out just what it looks like:

*6 more days of internship, including presentation to the entire staff on Thursday.
*Drive to College Station and final presentation as well as portfolio. (Monday-Tuesday)
*Drive back the next day and move into my new apartment:) (Wednesday)
*Drive back to College Station the next day (Thursday) and get ready for graduation.
*Graduate 9 a.m. from Texas A&M. College = Officially over.
*Family Surprise Weekend Getaway (Friday afternoon through Sunday evening)
*Drive back to Dallas with Jay and Meg (Sunday)
*Start training at Equinox, the real world J-O-B (Wednesday)

So, all of this rambling, and yes it was rambling. Maybe my ADD carried over from my quiet time. Anyways, all of this to say, pray for me in this time. Hopefully, I will process all of this eventually. And if you see me and I might seem a little out of it, just know either i'm ADD or just going through a lot:)

the new life.

wow. all i can say is wow. i went home this weekend to lubbock to spend some time with the family, a much needed break from the "real" world. it is so crazy to see life flying by and the aging process so evident and so clear. this weekend it hit me: i am now officially an adult. as one of my best friends from high school would say: "we're in the decade of marriage and mortgages". this past month has been filled with a lot of changes and surprises. one of which being that i am going to be an AUNT and could not be more excited!!! however, it was the strangest thing this weekend sitting around the dinner table coming up with names for my parents to be called. they are going to be grandparents and my grandparents are going to be great grandparents and all i can think while we're talking about all of this is: i still feel like i'm 16. i can't believe life, time, memories, years have passed us by so fast. it is such a reality check and goes to show that we are not here for forever. i am 22 years old, applying for full time jobs, looking to start a career and support myself and the question i keep on asking myself is "Lord, where's the next step?" life is passing by fast and as i sat at home this weekend getting the run down on benefits and compensation packages, i realized that the Lord is constant. He is faithful. His grace is sufficient, and He is everything i need. our time here is limited, and you never know how long you are going to be here. so, what am i doing today? how am i viewing my life? what's my perspective? my brother gave me great advice.. whose lenses are you looking through on a daily basis? and the truth is i'm usually looking through mine. i am so sickened by my selfishness and the fact that i see how others may serve me or what's going to benefit me most. how much more beautiful it is to see the Lord a part of every aspect of life whether it be in your relationships and conversations at work or serving your roommates without them knowing. i don't know about y'all but i am a huge and total mess. i stink at being disciplined. i'm so selfseeking in so many ways, but you know what that is what is so beautiful about grace. it is not something to take as a license but yet to live freely in. this time in my life is so uncertain, and it is so hard to trust and be patient with where the next phase of my life will be going. all i know is that He is good, He has never left me nor betrayed me. He has me in His Hand and is holding on tight. what a beautiful journey this next step is...

transition.

Life flies by. It does. One minute you are leaving high school headed for this crazy place called college. You have no idea what's ahead. Only what has been told to you of "i remember this one time in college" or "just wait until college, the friendships you make will be for a lifetime". I mean, I went into college as a skeptic. I had an incredible high school experience filled with some of the most amazing women to walk through that step of life with, but I had no idea what incredible and molding experiences the Lord had perfectly laid out for me over these past four years. Texas A&M holds laughter, tears, midnight conversations, the "hot seat", roadtrips, loss, gain, and friends who have spurred me on and as iron sharpens iron, challenged me to grow deeper and pursue Christ above all else in this life. You see, having been one month out of college I see how much the past four years has meant to me. I remember the girl I was leaving Lubbock, Texas and driving six and a half hours away to college knowing a handful of people. Now, I sit here in Dallas, Texas with a group of girls who truly have been there for me through the thick and the thin and I see the transformation of my faith the Lord has taken me on. I have discovered what grace is and through a painful process I have been learning what filth and disgust I hold in my flesh and what great a need I have for my Savior. I am not perfect, but far from it. My faith and my relationship with the Lord is all that I have that is a constant in my life. He is all I need, and all I want to desire. Apart from Him, I am nothing, and all I have are empty desires filled with meaningless strivings. I don't know what the next year or even 3 months of my life look like, but I do know that I have a loving, heavenly Father who will guide my steps perfectly and lead me to the places He desires for me to go. Lord, give me strength and courage to step out on faith where you desire. May my light be from You alone and continue to take my focus off myself. I want to go through this adventure trusting You with every step.

Learning Lessons.. sometimes on purpose

This is me and my parents in Ruidoso right after we had lunch at this awesome pizza place downtown.

Don't you love those times when you think you've got your head on straight and you are doing great in life and then BAM you get humbled and put in your place all at once?! Yeah.. i feel like i have those moments quite a bit, but what a wonderful way to learn and to truly see that THE LORD IS NOT THROUGH WITH ME YET! So, I've come to the realization: this is what walking with the Lord TRULY is. Its a daily struggle with me, with my flesh, with every human desire i carry in this body! I am such a mess but i have a Heavenly Father who chooses to reign down in this life and wash me clean of this filth i call home way too often. So you might be asking yourself, "jenn, what are you getting at here? what BAM moment did you mention before?" Well, here it is.

I'm sitting in Sugarbrown's, a coffee shop in lubbock, last week enjoying a delightful chai latte and reading Blue Like Jazz when in walks in an old acquaintance from junior high, whom I probably haven't seen since then. Background: me and this acquaintance really didn't even talk or hang out in junior high because I was SO incredibly shy and introverted back then. Wow.. how things change, eh? Back to the point, he comes over and sits down in front of me and we start talking. As i stared into his eyes while listening to him tell me about his life and what he planned on doing with it, i couldn't help but see the lost and emptiness within and behind these words i was hearing. As i noticed this, pain and nausea settled in my stomach and in my heart i felt ashamed. Why had i never shared Christ with this guy? What was i losing with sharing my Savior, my comfort, and my Lord with this friend? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As i realized my fault and my shortcomings, an urgency sprung up within me to share the Gospel with him. As the moment approached for me to share Christ, the friend he had been waiting to meet at Sugarbrown's walked in the door and therefore, caused the ending of our meeting. As i walked slowly out to my car in the parking lot, a feeling of sadness, disappointment, and shame came over me. I shut the door to my car and started to bawl and couldn't stop. I just started praying outloud for his soul and just for guidance in my own life that i might NEVER miss an opportunity like that ever again. As i sat there praying, names upon names came flooding through my head and at that moment, I realized: these are the people that i need to share Christ with once i return to A&M! Do i care about these people enough that i won't let them leave my sight without the satisfaction of knowing that they have had the opportunity to hear about my Christ and the salvation He brings?

My challenge to you Christians out there: Stop living like we have all the time in the world. The truth is we don't. The end is more near now more than ever before. Christ is returning soon to take with Him those who have called out to Him to save them from this life. Are you allowing Him to take as many with Him as possible? Or are you hindering the call of Christ by your laziness or unwillingness to step out of your comfort zone? Get off yourself and live fully for Him.

a new blessing...

This is Megan Pierson.. my brother's girlfriend and one of my dear friends. Another fingerprint of our wonderful Lord's perfect plan. Megan is David's best friend from since they were little and I remember hearing how highly David always talked of this beautiful girl when we were dating and how much he respected her. And I even remember meeting her and thinking, "wow.. she would be so great for my brother." Well.. through David, my brother and megan met and being able to watch their relationship grow not only with one another but also with the Lord together has been one of the most incredible things to watch. God is so cool.. I know if David were here right now he would be so excited about this!! I mean, 2 of his favorite people on this earth.. dating.. seriously.. yeah.. its incredible!! How Great is our God!!

Basically.. right now i am overwhelmed with the Lord's goodness to me and all the ways He has chosen to bless me this semester and how much He has healed my heart through all of this. Praise the Lord... David is in heaven.. in the presence of the Lord.. glorifying our Father cancer-free... and there is no way he would come back to this sinful and lost world! We are here now and the Lord is changing me, growing me, breaking me, molding me, and maturing me in who He is and who He wants me to become! May we cling to the feet of the One who perfectly crafted us!

i am nothing...

So i finally finished The Heavenly Man... wow! I think the Lord intended for me to read this book during this season of my life! I was so convicted by it and learned so much about faith through it! On the last two pages i found 2 quotes that really spoke to my heart at where i am in my walk right now:
"We are absolutely nothing. We have nothing to be proud about. We have no abillities and nothing to offer God. The fact that He chooses to use us is only due to His Grace. It has nothing to do with us. If God should choose to raise up others for His Purpose and never use us again we would have nothing to complain about."
ya.. just soak that up... praise the Lord that He chooses to use us!! Here's the other one which REALLY spoke to my heart:
"Death is not the end for a servant of God, but just the start of indescribable everlasting life in the presence of Jesus."
I'm not going to even say anything.. praise God! Today i started Captivating.. soo good.. and i have another really good quote from that which is speaking to me as well:
"Oh weary, tired and worn let out your sighs and drop that heavy load you hold cuz mine is light. I know you through and through there's no need to hide. I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide."
Oh Lord that I would drop my heavy load at Your Feet! Well.. tomorrow i am going to arlington to spend time with david's family and all of his roommates and closest friends and we are going to celebrate his 21st birthday together. Pray that the Lord will do great things this weekend and that all the words and thoughts will bring glory and praise to Him alone!!
Have a beautiful day and "radiate" the King!! (psalm 34:5)

Strong Tower..

Here are some lyrics from my favorite song at this very moment... "Strong Tower" by Kutless

When I'm walking through the desert
And I feel like I'm alone
You are everything i need

Now I'm running to Your Mountain
Cuz Your Mercy sets me free

You are MY STRONG TOWER
Shelter over me
Beautiful and Mighty
Everlasting King
You are MY STRONG TOWER
Fortress when I'm weak
Your Name is True and Holy
And Your Face is all I seek

Ironically enough.. this was one of david's favorite songs before he died.. ya it definitely applie to all aspects of my life right now!
Praise the Lord from whom ALL Blessings flow!

Great things He has done...

I stand amazed at all the great things that the Lord is doing in my life and the lives around me. It is so apparent that we serve a LIVING God who changes others lives for eternity!! One of the most amazing things these past 3 weeks to watch is just the life change and the impact for eternity that david's death has made. I will just list a few of them:
-Nick Enriquez was able to lead his entire cabin to the Lord plus another guy who had come to kamp homosexual but was able to turn his life around and see that he wasn't born homosexual but it was the sin inside him corrupting himself. All of this because of david's death!
-Sheridan Fielding is getting the opportunity to share with her cousin who is not a believer. She has never had the door to talk about the Lord to him and he lost his best friend 2 years ago, so she is allowed the opportunity to talk about death and the hope that is there.
-Derek Devine was able to build a relationship with a fellow counselor at his camp and share with him the Gospel since this counselor also lost his mom to cancer about 2 years ago.
-David Caulkins has been able to share with his friend James who he has been building a friendship with during the spring semester the Gospel because James had a friend who knew mr.dave before he died.
-My brother was able to witness to a muslim guy who showed up at david's visitation at the funeral home. He knew david from high school and was the basketball manager of the Lamar varsity team. When my brother asked him what set david apart from others, he replied the way he lived his life and how important his faith in the Lord was to him. He saw a difference in david's life and started searching for the Lord!!
There are numerous more accounts of what the Lord is doing!! Praise God that He is making life changes daily!! David died but his testimony is TRULY living on!!!!
I read this verse in my quiet time this morning and thought it was very applicable:
"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you have planned for us no one can recount to you; were i to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5

Live a radical life for the Lord today! Pursue Him passionately!!!

Its only the beginning...

Today has been a new day. I'm just realizing how rough life truly can be. I can't imagine living in this world, going through daily struggles, decisions, and tragedies and not having the Lord to rely on or to look to for hope. I feel so silly sometimes for shedding tears because I know the Lord looks down and says, "MY child, do not fear. I have you completely in my hands. Let go and let me handle your stuff. TRUST ME for I am the Lord YOUR God!" But as a selfish child, I want to scream "YES!!" but most of the time my actions proclaim "no".

One of my favorite characteristics of the Lord is His Faithfulness. Faithfulness. Can you imagine? A God MORE faithful than the sun rising and the sun setting each day. Faithfulness. And yet, He is more dependable to run to than the sun! There is a song by Skillet that states: "He's more faithful than the morning sun. He's more faithful though the night will come. He's been more faithful than the changing of seasons." If we truly believed that, do you think more would depend on Him with their everything? Thats a challenge I'm raising daily to myself.

I received an amazing quote from Paige Laura Holt in the mail yesterday.

"You will ask me, are you satisfied? Have you got all you want? God forbid. With the deepest feeling of my sould I can say that I am satisfied with Jesus now but there is also the consciousness of how much fuller the revelation can be of the exceeding abundance of His Grace. let us never hesitate to say, this is only the BEGINNING!"

Life has been tough lately. He never said it was going to be easy. But He did say that He would be there to hold our hand and guide us through it. How cool is it that i am at a point in my walk, in my life where I truly have to say, "Lord, I can't do this on my own. When I try, I end up breaking down in my room in tears. I JUST NEED YOU."