trust issues

So, this topic has been a long time coming. A very, very long time coming. It's the word "anxious".

I feel like it's a lighter case of the word "worried", but it still carries a similar root. Lack of trust.

Throughout the past couple of years post-college, I feel like the Lord has taken me through several seasons. Seasons I would never have expected for myself, but they were perfect in timing and catalysts for my spiritual growth. During these times, I would love to say that I walked through the trials with patience, resting in the unknown, but I would be a big, fat liar.

I wrestle with the idea of patience, a waiting room, unclear answers, and not knowing the next step in life. I am a control freak.. which has always been true, I've justified it in my mind in a lot nicer terms. I like to know whats happening now, what will happen tomorrow, how I can plan for that, and it's not possible.

When I get caught up in these thoughts, I am revealing a complete lack of trust in the Lord. I had a great conversation with my dad last night when he reminded me of hindsight. He told me to think back to where I was a year ago: confused on what I wanted to do in life, desiring to one day be a wife and have a family, but knowing I couldn't just wait on that to happen. The Lord has been ever-faithful. He has guided each step in ways I would have never thought for myself. However, He is better. He knows the way I take.

Recently, I've been anxious about landing a teaching job for the fall: where it is going to be, am I going to be able to manage a classroom. This anxiety will not add anything to life, except take joy. I'm praying that my heart rest in this uncertainty, in the Lord's quiet presence. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses in Job. Think about this, Job, a man that lived a life that was blameless that the Lord challenged the enemy to tempt him. Job lost everything. I am comforted, because even Job felt like the Lord was silent. However, I love Job's response:

"Behold, I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold." - Job 23:8-10

May we rest in this. Give up the control struggle. Stop trying to be in the know. Just rest in the Lord's burden.. for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

yes.. i bet you didn't think i would.

My sweet friend/former nook-mate from college, Annie Lu recently "tagged" me in a blog of hers to list out the top 10 things that make me happy. How often do I respond to these sort of things? Nearly never. Why start now? It's an early morning at work, and I'm feeling crazy. That, and I haven't seen my Annie in quite a while.. Shout out, girl! So, without further ado I hereby impart to you a list of my "happy" things.

top 10 in descending order:

#10 Avocados
If you are what you eat, I'd be an avocado. Give me guac, turkey & avocado sandwich, or one by itself, I'm satisfied.

#9 Dancing
I LOVE performing.. there are days that my heart just aches to be on stage again.. tap, ballet, pointe, jazz, hip hop. Ah. Also, I love salsa dancing or two-steppin' with my main man.

#8 My sweet family & niece Landry Kay:)

Landry is a whoppin' 13 1/2 months now, and she, along with my family, have been a tremendous blessing. Just look at that face.. it'll make you melt. We're working on expanding her vocabulary away from just "dog". Aunt Jenn is comin' soon..

#7 Blue sky days, light breeze, windows down, music up.
After this harsh winter, I am MORE than ready for spring time. Gimme some sunshine!

#6 The Village Church
To put into words the immense blessing this body of believers has been is almost an impossibility. Love the Truth taught ever Sunday. Love seeing the Spirit move in lives.

#5 Awkward middle school students
Having observed and beginning to student teach this semester has confirmed my love for those awkward but wonderful middle school kids. In one moment you are thinking "are you serious?" and in another you are just dying laughing at the pure ridiculousness. I cannot wait to hopefully have a classroom of my own next fall and inspire these young minds to LOVE math.

#4 Romans and my home group
Loving this study with my "home"girls.

#3 Soy, no water, chai lattes for early mornings such as this
My saving grace on those 4:30 a.m. mornings.. If you haven't had one, bite the bullet and order it from your local barista. You will thank me later.

#2 My community of friends the Lord has blessed me with in this life.
If I truly step back and look at who the Lord has brought into my life over the span of my almost 24 years.. it overwhelms me. My friends have impacted me in more ways than they will ever know by challenging me to think out of the box, calling me out, encouraging me, and loving me far more than I deserve.

#1 August 14, 2010 & my fiance:)
Are you kidding me? Of course, this made the list. I am ecstatic to marry the love of my life in a little over 5 months!

Alright... There you have it. I'm not sure who would want to know these things, but Annie, this was for you..

Happy Weekend!

they won't call me miss leftwich..

.. instead, they will call me Mrs. Coddou.

Yes. It's true. The love of my life completely shocked me and blew me away this past Saturday night when he asked me to be his wife. The verse that stuck with me was a verse from Revelation that Patrick had framed, and we prayed over our engagement and marriage that night. It's found in Revelation 19:

"Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints." {vs. 7-8}

I am so blessed to have this reminder. This is what earthly love, engagement, marriage, life together is all about. It is a beautiful, intimate relationship that mirrors the relationship Christ has with the church. What a celebration that will be.. when we rejoice, exult, and glory in Him alone for Christ has come back for the church!

Also, the part where the Bride has made herself ready, and then the description goes on to say she is clothed with fine linen {representative of righteousness}, bright and pure. The Bride or the church has been sanctified in this process and is ready for the redemption of their eternal body. Romans 8 talks about the believers groaning like the pangs of childbirth for what is to come. We long for that future hope, the reunion with our bridegroom... Can't you feel the angst in the vocabulary used? I just can't help, but get excited about this new stage of life. I know the Lord has called us to this process of sanctification, and this is one more sweet way that the Lord uses something that He has created to point us to the Gospel... continuing to wrestle together in this life with the sin, struggle, and reality of grace in my life until one day my sweet fiance or husband will be able to present me to my Savior, my King..

All of this to say.. praying for a heart that sees the beautiful eternal significance of this time in my life.. and excited to be called Mrs. Coddou by all the teenagers I see daily this coming fall:)

grace.

grace. how sweet the sound. grace. that saved a wretch like me.

Anyone else misconstrue the meaning of grace in their minds earlier on in life? I remember grace was a song you sang about at church. Grace was the prayer you said with your family holding hands before diving into a delectable feast. {don't forget the Baptist squeeze at the end after the word "amen"} Grace was a girl's name at school or one of my camper's names at Kanakuk. But, it wasn't sweet to me? It didn't break me with a heart of gratitude. I felt entitled to it, because I was a good person.

Then, I hit my sophomore year of college, and everything was shattered before me.

I had a sick, self-seeking, idolatrous view of God's gift of grace to me. I thought of myself as a "good" person, not really doing anything too terrible, except maybe getting a few parking tickets on campus and staying out until 4 a.m. {ooo.. rebel} So, my view of grace was that it was for those people who really, i mean really, screwed up externally and had not honored the Lord with their actions and truly needed a Savior.

All of this so-called Jenn's theology fell to the floor and shattered when I realized I really wasn't good. I really do need a Savior. I love these verses in Jonah 2:7-9:

"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD."

You see, I was making myself, my works, and my reputation an idol that I served and forfeiting the beautiful grace that could have been mine. My joy was not made complete, and I was tired of putting on this act of being O-K all the time.

Whoever might read this eclectic blog of mine, I pray that if you hear one thing you hear this: We are all at the core messed up, depraved, a product of humanity and sin entering the world. We deserve death. We deserve to be judged justly for our actions. Even in my best attempt at good, the roots, the crannies, the motives are tainted and making myself the idol. No one is left out of this. We are all hypocrites.

But, what a beautiful thing when Christ comes down to earth, lives life without sin, and takes our place in judgement. We receive His Righteousness in His Death. How unworthy! Even at my best, I have done NOTHING to closely deserve this.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." {Romans 5:6-8}

Praise be to Him! May our hearts GET THIS and burst with the gratitude that is coupled when grace pierces our hearts and shows us our depravity.

I could write more about this.. but may you understand what grace REALLY means for you. Not something to stomp all over and live the life you do since you are under grace.. No. May we continue in gratitude and use our bodies, our gifts, our talents, to point everything back to Him.

grace. how sweet the sound. grace. that saved a wretch like me.