for those tough days..

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

may i remember this on those days where i feel alone, and am surrounded by darkness. this war is eternal. may i strive for truth, strive for light, and not succumb to the pressures of becoming comfortable in my flesh and in this world. may i be bold in proclaiming His Goodness and care about those around me enough to share truth, love, and light with him.

late night thoughts.

things that stir my affections for Him:

1. being still and reflecting

2. journaling at crooked tree

3. coffee

4. early to bed and early to rise

5. phil wickham/bethany dillon/good music

6. sunrises and sunsets

7. long walks/runs outside

8. the bridge

things that pull me away:

1. the inability to say "no"

2. wasted hours of internet/tv

3. lack of sleep

4. trying to make a joke at the expense of something else

5. busyness/scheduling my life with too many "dates"

6. money/greed

may i saturate my life with the above and war with my flesh on the second list. may i know myself better than the enemy does: by looking at those nooks, those hidden places where i wish to forget about and view myself in a better light. may i be aware of my struggles, my flesh, my filth, and be uncomfortable with the presence of it in my life. may i stop seeking the approval of others and look to the One who truly matters. may the Lord guide my steps and speak through me on those rough days. may this body be fully dependent on Him, the author and perfecter of my life, whom breathed life into me and i was alive. praise Him. i am truly His.

closure

today is the last official day of my internship. official being, the internship program is done at Tom Landry, but since i go to a&m and they require ridiculous amounts of hours i still have two more days. in honor of closure and finishing this chapter of my life i thought i would honor those people i have worked with the past 3 months.

the gorgeous 7 acre park with a running trail. so beautiful and relaxing. my first friday here on my 22nd birthday we had a huge employee appreciation picnic in this park. imagine 6000 Baylor employees, circus clowns, rap music, food, and picture buttons. entertaining to say the least.

here is personal training at its best:) this is the sweetest old man who let us take a picture of him during his workout. we goof around a lot and let me tell you this was quite the funny pic.

here is the actual facility. beautiful beautiful. lots of laughter, practical jokes, and fun.

this is becca. one of the interns. her face sums up our experience together. we are goofy, hilarious, and lots of fun. we laugh at least once a day and all come from such different backgrounds. the Lord has stretched me so much this summer and shown me how to love others who are different than i am. one of the interns is an outspoken atheist, and i have loved being able to talk to all of them and hopefully show them a different love, the love of Christ, that transcends all knowledge.

here is christina. the other girl intern. we went to the Texas Rangers game followed by an Eli Young concert. such a blast. this summer has been a gift and i have loved every second of it. the Lord knew where He had me and i know this next stage of life is going to be adventure.

i'm going to stop. i'm getting super sentimental. just some insight into my life over the past couple months. peace.

changes. ch ch changes.

So, i'm feeling really broken right now. i just keep crying a whole lot and can't stop. Did you ever go through a time like that?? I cried on the way to work, cried on the way to Starbucks, started crying walking into tom landry this morning.. i'm feeling incredibly broken right now and it's a beautiful thing but so hard too. i have been praying or just thinking about how i have wanted the Lord to soften my heart and make it weak to His touch. I want to love what He loves, strive for what matters, and see daily, minute by minute, the opportunities He has laid out before me. i just can't stop crying and i think that's also a mixture of exhaustion as well as brokenness.

I am starting to realize more and more how much this life is pressed for time. time is an issue for everyone. "Oh, I just can't do that. I don't have enough time." "Wow. I'm just way too busy. Sorry." "I'm exhausted right now. I just don't have the time to do that." Everyone is busy in their own mind. We all think that what we have is more important than someone else. Its so selfish and sickening to say that, but it is so true. I realize, even more recently, that the more my time gets squeezed, sometimes the harder it is to say no to people I care about and make time for reading and alone time. Even when i want to read, sometimes i get a sudden case of ADD where i can't focus and i can't open my Bible. Or there is the other extreme when all of a sudden I just want to diagnose myself with a bad case of narcolepsy. Either way, I see how important and vital my time is with my growth as a woman hoping to become more like Him. With this importance, it is evident that the enemy wants to distract, busy, and attack any attempt of time pursuing Him. I have felt this and I'm sure you have to at some point or another. Just some thoughts on struggles recently..

Speaking of busy times, this month is going to be crazy. I feel as if I'm not going to even stop and have a chance to process all of the changes. (cue music "changes.. ch ch changes") I will list you out just what it looks like:

*6 more days of internship, including presentation to the entire staff on Thursday.
*Drive to College Station and final presentation as well as portfolio. (Monday-Tuesday)
*Drive back the next day and move into my new apartment:) (Wednesday)
*Drive back to College Station the next day (Thursday) and get ready for graduation.
*Graduate 9 a.m. from Texas A&M. College = Officially over.
*Family Surprise Weekend Getaway (Friday afternoon through Sunday evening)
*Drive back to Dallas with Jay and Meg (Sunday)
*Start training at Equinox, the real world J-O-B (Wednesday)

So, all of this rambling, and yes it was rambling. Maybe my ADD carried over from my quiet time. Anyways, all of this to say, pray for me in this time. Hopefully, I will process all of this eventually. And if you see me and I might seem a little out of it, just know either i'm ADD or just going through a lot:)

the new life.

wow. all i can say is wow. i went home this weekend to lubbock to spend some time with the family, a much needed break from the "real" world. it is so crazy to see life flying by and the aging process so evident and so clear. this weekend it hit me: i am now officially an adult. as one of my best friends from high school would say: "we're in the decade of marriage and mortgages". this past month has been filled with a lot of changes and surprises. one of which being that i am going to be an AUNT and could not be more excited!!! however, it was the strangest thing this weekend sitting around the dinner table coming up with names for my parents to be called. they are going to be grandparents and my grandparents are going to be great grandparents and all i can think while we're talking about all of this is: i still feel like i'm 16. i can't believe life, time, memories, years have passed us by so fast. it is such a reality check and goes to show that we are not here for forever. i am 22 years old, applying for full time jobs, looking to start a career and support myself and the question i keep on asking myself is "Lord, where's the next step?" life is passing by fast and as i sat at home this weekend getting the run down on benefits and compensation packages, i realized that the Lord is constant. He is faithful. His grace is sufficient, and He is everything i need. our time here is limited, and you never know how long you are going to be here. so, what am i doing today? how am i viewing my life? what's my perspective? my brother gave me great advice.. whose lenses are you looking through on a daily basis? and the truth is i'm usually looking through mine. i am so sickened by my selfishness and the fact that i see how others may serve me or what's going to benefit me most. how much more beautiful it is to see the Lord a part of every aspect of life whether it be in your relationships and conversations at work or serving your roommates without them knowing. i don't know about y'all but i am a huge and total mess. i stink at being disciplined. i'm so selfseeking in so many ways, but you know what that is what is so beautiful about grace. it is not something to take as a license but yet to live freely in. this time in my life is so uncertain, and it is so hard to trust and be patient with where the next phase of my life will be going. all i know is that He is good, He has never left me nor betrayed me. He has me in His Hand and is holding on tight. what a beautiful journey this next step is...

transition.

Life flies by. It does. One minute you are leaving high school headed for this crazy place called college. You have no idea what's ahead. Only what has been told to you of "i remember this one time in college" or "just wait until college, the friendships you make will be for a lifetime". I mean, I went into college as a skeptic. I had an incredible high school experience filled with some of the most amazing women to walk through that step of life with, but I had no idea what incredible and molding experiences the Lord had perfectly laid out for me over these past four years. Texas A&M holds laughter, tears, midnight conversations, the "hot seat", roadtrips, loss, gain, and friends who have spurred me on and as iron sharpens iron, challenged me to grow deeper and pursue Christ above all else in this life. You see, having been one month out of college I see how much the past four years has meant to me. I remember the girl I was leaving Lubbock, Texas and driving six and a half hours away to college knowing a handful of people. Now, I sit here in Dallas, Texas with a group of girls who truly have been there for me through the thick and the thin and I see the transformation of my faith the Lord has taken me on. I have discovered what grace is and through a painful process I have been learning what filth and disgust I hold in my flesh and what great a need I have for my Savior. I am not perfect, but far from it. My faith and my relationship with the Lord is all that I have that is a constant in my life. He is all I need, and all I want to desire. Apart from Him, I am nothing, and all I have are empty desires filled with meaningless strivings. I don't know what the next year or even 3 months of my life look like, but I do know that I have a loving, heavenly Father who will guide my steps perfectly and lead me to the places He desires for me to go. Lord, give me strength and courage to step out on faith where you desire. May my light be from You alone and continue to take my focus off myself. I want to go through this adventure trusting You with every step.

Learning Lessons.. sometimes on purpose

This is me and my parents in Ruidoso right after we had lunch at this awesome pizza place downtown.

Don't you love those times when you think you've got your head on straight and you are doing great in life and then BAM you get humbled and put in your place all at once?! Yeah.. i feel like i have those moments quite a bit, but what a wonderful way to learn and to truly see that THE LORD IS NOT THROUGH WITH ME YET! So, I've come to the realization: this is what walking with the Lord TRULY is. Its a daily struggle with me, with my flesh, with every human desire i carry in this body! I am such a mess but i have a Heavenly Father who chooses to reign down in this life and wash me clean of this filth i call home way too often. So you might be asking yourself, "jenn, what are you getting at here? what BAM moment did you mention before?" Well, here it is.

I'm sitting in Sugarbrown's, a coffee shop in lubbock, last week enjoying a delightful chai latte and reading Blue Like Jazz when in walks in an old acquaintance from junior high, whom I probably haven't seen since then. Background: me and this acquaintance really didn't even talk or hang out in junior high because I was SO incredibly shy and introverted back then. Wow.. how things change, eh? Back to the point, he comes over and sits down in front of me and we start talking. As i stared into his eyes while listening to him tell me about his life and what he planned on doing with it, i couldn't help but see the lost and emptiness within and behind these words i was hearing. As i noticed this, pain and nausea settled in my stomach and in my heart i felt ashamed. Why had i never shared Christ with this guy? What was i losing with sharing my Savior, my comfort, and my Lord with this friend? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As i realized my fault and my shortcomings, an urgency sprung up within me to share the Gospel with him. As the moment approached for me to share Christ, the friend he had been waiting to meet at Sugarbrown's walked in the door and therefore, caused the ending of our meeting. As i walked slowly out to my car in the parking lot, a feeling of sadness, disappointment, and shame came over me. I shut the door to my car and started to bawl and couldn't stop. I just started praying outloud for his soul and just for guidance in my own life that i might NEVER miss an opportunity like that ever again. As i sat there praying, names upon names came flooding through my head and at that moment, I realized: these are the people that i need to share Christ with once i return to A&M! Do i care about these people enough that i won't let them leave my sight without the satisfaction of knowing that they have had the opportunity to hear about my Christ and the salvation He brings?

My challenge to you Christians out there: Stop living like we have all the time in the world. The truth is we don't. The end is more near now more than ever before. Christ is returning soon to take with Him those who have called out to Him to save them from this life. Are you allowing Him to take as many with Him as possible? Or are you hindering the call of Christ by your laziness or unwillingness to step out of your comfort zone? Get off yourself and live fully for Him.

a new blessing...

This is Megan Pierson.. my brother's girlfriend and one of my dear friends. Another fingerprint of our wonderful Lord's perfect plan. Megan is David's best friend from since they were little and I remember hearing how highly David always talked of this beautiful girl when we were dating and how much he respected her. And I even remember meeting her and thinking, "wow.. she would be so great for my brother." Well.. through David, my brother and megan met and being able to watch their relationship grow not only with one another but also with the Lord together has been one of the most incredible things to watch. God is so cool.. I know if David were here right now he would be so excited about this!! I mean, 2 of his favorite people on this earth.. dating.. seriously.. yeah.. its incredible!! How Great is our God!!

Basically.. right now i am overwhelmed with the Lord's goodness to me and all the ways He has chosen to bless me this semester and how much He has healed my heart through all of this. Praise the Lord... David is in heaven.. in the presence of the Lord.. glorifying our Father cancer-free... and there is no way he would come back to this sinful and lost world! We are here now and the Lord is changing me, growing me, breaking me, molding me, and maturing me in who He is and who He wants me to become! May we cling to the feet of the One who perfectly crafted us!

i am nothing...

So i finally finished The Heavenly Man... wow! I think the Lord intended for me to read this book during this season of my life! I was so convicted by it and learned so much about faith through it! On the last two pages i found 2 quotes that really spoke to my heart at where i am in my walk right now:
"We are absolutely nothing. We have nothing to be proud about. We have no abillities and nothing to offer God. The fact that He chooses to use us is only due to His Grace. It has nothing to do with us. If God should choose to raise up others for His Purpose and never use us again we would have nothing to complain about."
ya.. just soak that up... praise the Lord that He chooses to use us!! Here's the other one which REALLY spoke to my heart:
"Death is not the end for a servant of God, but just the start of indescribable everlasting life in the presence of Jesus."
I'm not going to even say anything.. praise God! Today i started Captivating.. soo good.. and i have another really good quote from that which is speaking to me as well:
"Oh weary, tired and worn let out your sighs and drop that heavy load you hold cuz mine is light. I know you through and through there's no need to hide. I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide."
Oh Lord that I would drop my heavy load at Your Feet! Well.. tomorrow i am going to arlington to spend time with david's family and all of his roommates and closest friends and we are going to celebrate his 21st birthday together. Pray that the Lord will do great things this weekend and that all the words and thoughts will bring glory and praise to Him alone!!
Have a beautiful day and "radiate" the King!! (psalm 34:5)

Strong Tower..

Here are some lyrics from my favorite song at this very moment... "Strong Tower" by Kutless

When I'm walking through the desert
And I feel like I'm alone
You are everything i need

Now I'm running to Your Mountain
Cuz Your Mercy sets me free

You are MY STRONG TOWER
Shelter over me
Beautiful and Mighty
Everlasting King
You are MY STRONG TOWER
Fortress when I'm weak
Your Name is True and Holy
And Your Face is all I seek

Ironically enough.. this was one of david's favorite songs before he died.. ya it definitely applie to all aspects of my life right now!
Praise the Lord from whom ALL Blessings flow!

Great things He has done...

I stand amazed at all the great things that the Lord is doing in my life and the lives around me. It is so apparent that we serve a LIVING God who changes others lives for eternity!! One of the most amazing things these past 3 weeks to watch is just the life change and the impact for eternity that david's death has made. I will just list a few of them:
-Nick Enriquez was able to lead his entire cabin to the Lord plus another guy who had come to kamp homosexual but was able to turn his life around and see that he wasn't born homosexual but it was the sin inside him corrupting himself. All of this because of david's death!
-Sheridan Fielding is getting the opportunity to share with her cousin who is not a believer. She has never had the door to talk about the Lord to him and he lost his best friend 2 years ago, so she is allowed the opportunity to talk about death and the hope that is there.
-Derek Devine was able to build a relationship with a fellow counselor at his camp and share with him the Gospel since this counselor also lost his mom to cancer about 2 years ago.
-David Caulkins has been able to share with his friend James who he has been building a friendship with during the spring semester the Gospel because James had a friend who knew mr.dave before he died.
-My brother was able to witness to a muslim guy who showed up at david's visitation at the funeral home. He knew david from high school and was the basketball manager of the Lamar varsity team. When my brother asked him what set david apart from others, he replied the way he lived his life and how important his faith in the Lord was to him. He saw a difference in david's life and started searching for the Lord!!
There are numerous more accounts of what the Lord is doing!! Praise God that He is making life changes daily!! David died but his testimony is TRULY living on!!!!
I read this verse in my quiet time this morning and thought it was very applicable:
"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you have planned for us no one can recount to you; were i to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5

Live a radical life for the Lord today! Pursue Him passionately!!!

Its only the beginning...

Today has been a new day. I'm just realizing how rough life truly can be. I can't imagine living in this world, going through daily struggles, decisions, and tragedies and not having the Lord to rely on or to look to for hope. I feel so silly sometimes for shedding tears because I know the Lord looks down and says, "MY child, do not fear. I have you completely in my hands. Let go and let me handle your stuff. TRUST ME for I am the Lord YOUR God!" But as a selfish child, I want to scream "YES!!" but most of the time my actions proclaim "no".

One of my favorite characteristics of the Lord is His Faithfulness. Faithfulness. Can you imagine? A God MORE faithful than the sun rising and the sun setting each day. Faithfulness. And yet, He is more dependable to run to than the sun! There is a song by Skillet that states: "He's more faithful than the morning sun. He's more faithful though the night will come. He's been more faithful than the changing of seasons." If we truly believed that, do you think more would depend on Him with their everything? Thats a challenge I'm raising daily to myself.

I received an amazing quote from Paige Laura Holt in the mail yesterday.

"You will ask me, are you satisfied? Have you got all you want? God forbid. With the deepest feeling of my sould I can say that I am satisfied with Jesus now but there is also the consciousness of how much fuller the revelation can be of the exceeding abundance of His Grace. let us never hesitate to say, this is only the BEGINNING!"

Life has been tough lately. He never said it was going to be easy. But He did say that He would be there to hold our hand and guide us through it. How cool is it that i am at a point in my walk, in my life where I truly have to say, "Lord, I can't do this on my own. When I try, I end up breaking down in my room in tears. I JUST NEED YOU."