grace.

grace. how sweet the sound. grace. that saved a wretch like me.

Anyone else misconstrue the meaning of grace in their minds earlier on in life? I remember grace was a song you sang about at church. Grace was the prayer you said with your family holding hands before diving into a delectable feast. {don't forget the Baptist squeeze at the end after the word "amen"} Grace was a girl's name at school or one of my camper's names at Kanakuk. But, it wasn't sweet to me? It didn't break me with a heart of gratitude. I felt entitled to it, because I was a good person.

Then, I hit my sophomore year of college, and everything was shattered before me.

I had a sick, self-seeking, idolatrous view of God's gift of grace to me. I thought of myself as a "good" person, not really doing anything too terrible, except maybe getting a few parking tickets on campus and staying out until 4 a.m. {ooo.. rebel} So, my view of grace was that it was for those people who really, i mean really, screwed up externally and had not honored the Lord with their actions and truly needed a Savior.

All of this so-called Jenn's theology fell to the floor and shattered when I realized I really wasn't good. I really do need a Savior. I love these verses in Jonah 2:7-9:

"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD."

You see, I was making myself, my works, and my reputation an idol that I served and forfeiting the beautiful grace that could have been mine. My joy was not made complete, and I was tired of putting on this act of being O-K all the time.

Whoever might read this eclectic blog of mine, I pray that if you hear one thing you hear this: We are all at the core messed up, depraved, a product of humanity and sin entering the world. We deserve death. We deserve to be judged justly for our actions. Even in my best attempt at good, the roots, the crannies, the motives are tainted and making myself the idol. No one is left out of this. We are all hypocrites.

But, what a beautiful thing when Christ comes down to earth, lives life without sin, and takes our place in judgement. We receive His Righteousness in His Death. How unworthy! Even at my best, I have done NOTHING to closely deserve this.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." {Romans 5:6-8}

Praise be to Him! May our hearts GET THIS and burst with the gratitude that is coupled when grace pierces our hearts and shows us our depravity.

I could write more about this.. but may you understand what grace REALLY means for you. Not something to stomp all over and live the life you do since you are under grace.. No. May we continue in gratitude and use our bodies, our gifts, our talents, to point everything back to Him.

grace. how sweet the sound. grace. that saved a wretch like me.

Best Gift Guides of the Past.

To keep the blog on a somewhat lighter note every now and then, I dabble in some lists that don't always make the cut in other blogs. (See November 2008-Thanksgiving)

This list will be entitled: An Ode to the Fads of Christmas Past

{you know... all of the "hot" gifts that were in one Christmas and out another}

I now pay homage to the pointless trends society tells us to follow.. and we do.

#1 Furbies

I am so creeped out by Furbies. I think it all stems from an experience at a sleepover at one of my friend's house. It was the middle of the night {post-peachi-o's or sugary treat indulgence}, and I was asleep in her bedroom with no light but that coming from a lava lamp. {Those were so cool, by the way. Always wanted one} Out of nowhere, a "weerrrrrrellllllll"/chewbacca-esque noise ensues. I woke up, panicked, not knowing what creature was coming to get me, still in that half asleep/half awake stage.. {obviously, the one that makes you think very irrationally}. I went back to sleep 45 minutes later once my nerves had calmed down and had a nightmare about Furbies attacking the LBK.

#2 Doc Marten's

Oh my goodness. Doc Martens saturated the shoe industry in the late 1990's and were a part of my Christmas list for many years. Whether it was the lace up boots to be worn with Gap's version of the Jenko khaki's {yes.. i was that cool} or the slip on sandal with the flower cut out to be worn with any and everything during the summer, Doc Marten's were a fashion MUST in late elementary/junior high years.

What happened to them? Anyone still wear them? If you do, I would love to be your friend. Do they still sell them? Great memories attached there.

#3 The Matching Windsuit: Zip-up jacket and zip-hemmed pants included.

Sadly.. no picture was found, but give me one person who didn't have the neon colored windsuit jacket and pants.. don't forget the elastic bottoms with the unzip option to perfectly fit over your tenny shoe. I know for me that the outfit wasn't complete unless I had a side pony with ribbon bow tied in my hair. Classic.

#4 Pogs

Pogs. The SLAMMER. The pog case. All very distinctive gifts and a popular game at recess for a year. What happened to them? Can you still purchase pogs or are they obsolete?? I remember we had a Hanson themed pog. Yup. I was cool.

Question: were you cooler if you had PURCHASED more pogs or if you stealthily won more? Just a thought...

And to round out the list...

#5 Digital Pets

Nano kitties. Tamagotchi. These were the RAGE. Feed your pet. Make it go to the bathroom. Teaching responsibility to little children at a young age. I can imagine many parents saying, "Susie, I won't get you that puppy unless you can take care of it.. Here's a Tamagotchi instead." Digital pets. Less of pain on the parents.. endless hours of entertainment for the kids. Genius.

**Side note: I remember my nano kitty. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day, trying to unclip my pet and struggling. It flung into the toilet, and the digital kitty drowned. RIP kitty. Still remorseful to this day.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed reliving some childhood memories of them. I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas! May we continue to consider what this holiday is all about. Why Christ came in the first place... The redemption for a broken world. Consider Christ and may all events and conversation be reminded of Him. {Hebrews 12:3}

Stay warm... Drink a vanilla chai... read a great book.. and Merry Christmas:)

they call me miss leftwich

So here's the scoop of the last 6 months:

I quit my full time job back in April and have spent the last 6 months figuring out what in the world I want to do with my life. I have had thoughts of continuing in marketing/sales, becoming an art director, graphic design, ad agency, public relations.. nothing really worked out or felt completely clear.

I have been wrestling with my selfishness and my pride over these past few months. I wanted to find some profession that when people met me they would think "wow! you are awesome!!". Isn't that ridiculous? Who even cares? And the people that have those "cool-sounding jobs" usually are the one who work 76.4334 hours a week and secretly hate it. Right?

How quick am I to find my identity, my worth, my reputation in something other than the Lord. Work, relationships, friendships, small groups, people, reputation.. when you place them as ultimate they ALL at one point or another fail you, disappoint you, lie to you, and ultimately leave you empty and feeling more useless and worthless than you ever did in the first place. Anyone else out there feel this way?

May we cling to the Creator and Perfecter of our faith. He is..

Holy.

Loving.

Faithful.

Never failing.

Committed.

Sacrificing.

Worthy of our highest praise.

Life-giving.

Purposeful.

Righteous.

He is.

All of this to say... after much soul searching {drum roll please....}

I'm getting certified to be a junior high math teacher with possibly high school math and english following. Crazy, right?? Left field, I know. However, after surveying my heart and my passions, this completely lines up with what I want to do.. Invest in women younger than me, make a difference in those awkward, formative years of middle school, have summers off to explore part time mission trip options, be invested in my church, and have time to be available to others.

The Lord has been faithful yet again. Looking forward to what He is going to continue to do in this crazy time of life.. until then, I will be counting the days until I get to relive junior high. What will be the present day pogs, jenkos, and hemp necklaces? Too soon to tell... but this is going to be good:)

rain, rain.. go away.

a few weeks ago, i had a very interesting day. i was going to go help my friend paul with an engagement photo shoot he was shooting. he told me that i should be prepared in rain gear, hence, i travelled on over to target to purchase some rain boots i have been looking for an excuse to buy. this is all context leading up to my real point. i get inside target and am walking around and people watching, of course. first, i saw a man and his wife, young, in their late 20’s with a newborn in the stroller running into a familiar friend. they were chatting about life and church and started talking about the village church. exhibit A: young, trendy, Christian married couple with baby. 

Then, as i am walking up and down another aisle, i hear this woman talking rather strangely. i look over and she is talking strangely and LOUDLY to her child. she bursts out into song like there is absolutely no one around. at first, i felt a little awkward standing so close to her, but then i saw the evident love and devotion she had for her little baby. there wasn’t anyone in the store but her child and you could tell she loved her so much. exhibit B: adult singing woman with baby.

as i’m checking out, the woman behind the register had a glazed over look about her and was non-responsive to my questions to her. her mind was absolutely somewhere else, and by the looks of her, it seemed as if she had been through the ringer. i don’t know what it was, but there was something inside of her hurting. exhibit C: hurting, dazed, woman.

when i was walking outside on my way to the car, i passed a trash can to the left of the sliding doors. as i was walking, i saw a man with a long beard, ratted out clothing and shoes with holes in them digging in the trash can. as i walked past him, he quickly retreated and walked briskly away, trying to play off what he was doing. exhibit D: hungry, dirty, embarrassed man.

as i look at the four different types of people i saw today, i was reminded of Romans. we all need the Gospel. we all need the Lord’s presence in our life. we need the peace that transcends all understanding. we need HOPE. whether we’re the cute Christian couple whose involved in a church community and possibly “walking the walk”, we’re still flawed. deeply flawed. i see the woman with her child and her love for her child, and i’m reminded of the love the Father has for us. He loves us so deeply and is not ashamed to proclaim His love by sending His Son as an atonement for us. for the woman who is hurting, another example that this world is broken and fractured by the fall. the emptiness and the pain that we feel is evidence that something has gone wrong. this is not home for those who are in Christ. In Romans 8:22-25, it says:

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

finally, the old man outside… although his immediate need seemed to be that of hunger, there is an eternal need that is so much bigger than that. you see, i am that old man so many times in a spiritual sense. i am digging around in trash cans, beat up, and broken down by this world. i play it off like i’m walking somewhere else, but i settle for the junk of this world, the idols in my life, the material things that might seem to be a little more tangible than the omnipotent God who loves me. and i trade it so many times in foolishness. 

so, i don’t want to be a broken record, because i know i can be. however, for whatever reason, i just feel my heart is more sensitive right now to seeing the world for what it really is: broken and a need of a Savior. My prayer is that it affects not only my head knowledge, but makes that connection with my heart. 

and, by the way, the photo shoot i was going to help with got cancelled. i got rain boots tho:)

fried fun with a side of laughter.

So yesterday was an adventure. Yes, an adventure to the great state FAIR OF TEXAS! There is nothing, I mean, NOTHING like it. Where else can you find "carnies", everything fried under the sun, people performing tricks, the smallest horse in the world.. the list is endless. So, let me compile a list (I just love them recently) of the highlights of this great outing:

1. Strategic bird poop on a small child/toddler right in front of me as we're walking into the fair.

**Anyone else notice that birds have ridiculous aim when they decide to relieve themselves? Once upon a time, I was eating dinner with a few friends in the West Village of Dallas. We were eating outside on the patio, chatting, laughing about life, and then... SPLAT!! Kim was a direct hit for a bird flying over. Of course, all three of us jumped up screaming/laughing and made a huge scene. Yup. We were THOSE girls.

2. Riding the DART to Fair Park. Whoop for public transpo:)

**Funny incident: I was buying my pass for the ride {$1.75}, and the only cash I had was a $20. When the change came out, it was all Sacajawea's. $18.25 worth. I felt like I was in a casino gambling... Needless to say, it has been a great conversation piece over the last 24 hours when I use them to purchase things.

3. Pirate man jumping off the mast of a pirate ship into a swimming tank.

**ONLY at the fair. Literally, the man was standing at the top of this "ship", stretching, fake "trembling". Then with one giant step, he triple flips into a dive into the tiny little swimming tank. Who does that? Especially when it is 58 degrees outside.

4. Anything fried you can ever imagine. Seriously. It will absolutely blow your mind.

**The first thing to note when you go the fair is that a ORIGINAL Fletcher's Corny dog is a "must-have" at the fair. No questions asked. After that, for all of those adventurous at heart, there are fried oreos, fried peaches and cream, fried snickers, fried marshmallows, fried cookie dough to name a few. The most adventurous at heart can take a leap of faith and try the fried butter, which did not go over so well with one in our party. Seriously... my arteries are shuddering thinking about digesting it... But this is america. And better yet, this is TEXAS. 

All of this to say... go to the fair. Live it up. See the pigs race one another. Enjoy your friends and feel like a kid again. 

Personal note/disclaimer: After re-reading this post, I realize I have an affinity for using strategic "quotation marks" and emphasizing points with the word "seriously". Just a quirk. A quirk I'm sharing.

falling for it..

it's coming.. there are hints everywhere:

*a slight breeze in the air

*pumpkin spice lattes making their return to Starbuck's

*college football is here

*routines springing up everywhere

*thoughts of wearing scarves

*leaves attempting to change their current hue

*days that only feel right with a fleece on cuddled up reading a good book

*the state fair and all of the fried delicacies are right around the corner... mmm i can smell my fletcher's corn dog right now

*the dallas campus of the village is finally up and open, with the greeting and cheerful huggers, and the excitement of what the Lord is going to do in the streets of Dallas

fall or what i affectionately call autumn has arrived. she's been flirting a little bit with us, but i have a feeling she might be here to stay. with all of the summer craziness behind us, we look forward to the cooler months, and for the first time in my life, i am hoping for some consistency in the fall. 

after a very convicting sermon this weekend at church and thinking over a lot of things that go through this brain of mine, i have concluded that we try to fill our life with so much "stuff" outside of work sometimes... and it's not always beneficial.  i've been evaluating what the things are that are life-giving that i fill my life with and how can i continue to fill my time with these types of things. on the flip side, knowing when to say "NO". i hate saying no. i do. for some reason in my vocabulary, no just doesn't flow out of my mouth very easy.

so what gives life? just to name a few on my list: inviting friends over to cook a meal together and talk about life with no distractions. meeting for coffee after work and digging a little deeper into the root of our struggles and pointing one another to scripture. being out with friends and having conversation that ignites deep belly, uncontrollable laughter. getting together with a good friend and hearing about how the Lord used his trip to sudan and being reminded about all the Lord is doing outside the united states. interacting with people who are authentic and bring a different perspective to life than i do. serving others in a "behind-the-scenes" way that no one will ever know you did it. 

those are just to name a few. anyways, i tend to err on the side of over-thinking things a little too much, so in spite of this list, i pray that the Lord remind you of the sweetness of His Gospel. may we not lose the simplicity of His Grace for us and live lives marked by the joy that comes when we finally realize this precious gift we have been given and accept it.

my rendezvous with ranunculus.

so i discovered my new favorite flower the other day... and it is a bizarre name. ranunculus. whoever decided to name this flower must of had a hay day. i think the reason i like them so much is because they kind of look like little cupcakes from an aerial view. 

not to over-spiritualize a flower, but the first thought that comes to mind when i look at these is the verse in 1 Peter 1:22-25:

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you.

these flowers are beautiful for a time, but unless you live in a humid, perfect paradise these flowers will fall or fade as it says in other translations. may we not forget the eternal and that we were made for more than just this temporary life on earth. 

As it says in John 15, we have been grafted into the Vine through Jesus Christ and apart from Him we can do nothing. so are we abiding? are we looking to Christ for our source of life? are we living in the desperate need for His Presence in our life? because without Him, we are but a withered branch dried up and shattered on the ground. we are a wilted flower being trampled on by the everyday.. may we abide in Him today, rooted and established in His Perfect Love for us.

consider the birds.

so i've had a blank canvas sitting in my room since april. i wanted to paint or create some form of artwork for the wall above my bed in my bedroom, but i never had the inspiration. you could say i was waiting for my muse.. and without an idea of what i'm doing i err on the side of too much. and i've learned from my previous mistakes.

well, low and behold, i finally finished my artwork. doing arts and crafts is similar to therapy for me... so once i know what i'm doing, i'm able to relax and i can lose all track of time while doing it. my theme was "consider the birds" and is taken from Luke 12:22-26:

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap. They have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

recently, i have learned how much of a control freak i am. there is this innate nature in us that doesn't want to be uncomfortable or in a waiting room situation. we live in an instantaneous world where everything is at our fingertips. and this is not to an attack against technology and all it has accomplished, but it has instilled in us this desire to have answers now and decrease our ability to have and extend patience. 

there is beauty in the waiting room, in the unknown, in the times i have to loosen my grip on life, in trust, in stillness, in making decisions with faith as my footing. so this is going to take you back a few years, especially if you were involved in youth group ministry in the late 90's early 2000's.. i revisited the lyrics from shane and shane's song "waiting room", and i love two of the stanzas:

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause its all about You

ultimately, whatever i am worrying about or impatiently hoping for, He's got it. it is in my trust, in my stillness, in my wait that i find His Provision for me. and maybe, just maybe, this waiting time is for my refinement to know i can't do this on my own. and maybe that is a good thing. so, today, consider the ravens... 

{or the birds... i didn't want to write ravens on a canvas on my wall.. edgar allen poe flashbacks}

hello august. nice to see you.

well.. i'm back. i took a little sabbatical from blogging this summer. but i'm back. there are almost too many thoughts to express..

so to keep the blog on a current lighter note, i will express some things i have learned in the past few months:

1. guacamole is always a good idea. i repeat ALWAYS.

2. when you move apartments, you usually have about 3 times as much stuff as you think.
3. the trick to baking quality chocolate chip cookies is by underbaking them by at least 5 minutes..:)

4. i don't know when you become a resident of the city you live in, but i am officially a Dallasite. been here almost a year and a half.

5. i'm in denial about my coordination. i don't know the last time any part of my body did not have a bruise.

6. i feel as if i should visit california soon. i've got the bug. 

7. patience really is a virtue, and one i'm not too fond of right now. thank you, Father, for teaching us lessons.

8. i have attended 11 weddings this summer. although i'm happy to have a weekend off, i'm still amazed by the beauty of the symbolism and the Gospel that is presented in a wedding ceremony. may we not take forgranted the love He so graciously pursues us with. the beautiful unconditional love. 

9. life keeps passing by more quickly... i am having to fight to stay in the present. in the day to day miracles and victories:)

10. having experienced a little more life, i still recognize my need for a Savior and am blown away by the grace Christ extends to us. i know very little, and the little good i do know was given to me by my Father.

lastly, here's a little treasure.. if you have not yet, i would advice you to click on your little itunes music store and purchase "Soon" by Hillsong United. the words are so rich. may we live today in hopes of the future to come. Soon and very soon, my King is coming...

alive or really living.

the past month of life has been a rollercoaster. however, through it all, the Lord has been so good to reveal to me some Truth about what He has provided and assured me of His grip on my life.

recently, i was talking to a friend about life, and we had both been caught up in discontentment where we currently were. at first, we had to take a honest view at the heart to make sure there wasn't a spirit of laziness or just boredom with the post-college monotony of life. what a wake-up call to see if i am being a neat Christian at work or truly striving to be a vessel the Lord is using wherever He has me. ultimately, it caused me to look deep into this heart to see the gifts i believe the Lord has given me to impact this culture. i have been camping out in 1 peter for awhile and this passage has really been resonating with my soul over the past few weeks:

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." - 1 Peter 4:8-11

first, i love the urgency, zeal, and passion that is captured in the word "fervent". i don't remember the last time i was fervent about serving or loving anyone besides... myself. that's always great.. but, seriously, if we loved others in a way that was without self-seeking motives or striving to profit in some way, but truly cared about another. wow! how beautiful a love and how attractive that would be to actually care.

next, we must recognize the gift that has been given, and we must be a good steward of using that. this is where life, living, feeling alive comes to play! oh what a blessing and a thrill to be used as an instrument or vessel of the King. So, if your gift is teaching, what are you doing about it? are you putting yourself in a place to disciple, mentor, lead a small group, teach high school kids? and when you speak, are you speaking with authority and strength of the utterances of the Living God? if my gift is encouragement, am i pushing others and encouraging them in a way that will spur them on to love and good deeds? am i encouraging outside of my comfort zone and speaking truth to others, not just to make them feel better about life, but to ultimately point them to the cross of my precious Christ? do i challenge others to take a honest view of their life and realize the gravity of our sin and yet the unfathomable beauty of the grace that has been given?

after processing these verses and thoughts over the past few weeks, i was at the 5 o'clock service at the village tonight, and Matt made a comment that completely struck a chord with me. he was talking about the beauty of reconciliation, and that we have all been given gifts to serve in the body. however, there is unity in the calling of us as believers to the ministry of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21) so, how are we living our lives in a way to love different and truly become an ambassador to the culture we find ourselves in?

just some great thoughts going through my head at an embarrassing time in the wee hours of the night. oh, that we might live and praise the One who has made us ALIVE!

thoughts.com

have you ever thought about things that define your life? if you could pick a list of your top ten things that make you feel like you are truly alive, what would they be?

well "introspective jenn" took over, and i have been really trying to process life right now, and discover who the Lord has intricately made me. where do my passions, convictions, and talents lie?

do you remember how when you were a kid and someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, you immediately thought of the biggest word that was an occupation you knew? i would always say "vetnarians" because i thought it meant i could play with dogs like our black lab, star, all day long. little did i know, a short 11 years later i would be in dallas working in marketing and discovering all about the "real world" as we know it.

so i sit here, contemplating, when i feel most alive. i have compiled a few ideas:

--long walks watching the sun rise or set (especially by a lake or something naturally beautiful).
it's always good to be reminded of the beauty of God's creation and that we serve a God who has been more faithful than the sun rising or setting every day.

--conversations that stir, sharpen, and challenge my way of thinking.
my goodness, i am the first to admit that i am stubborn in my thinking. how good it is to sit amongst close friends, wrestle with truth and ideas, and strive to know more about the character and work of the Lord.

--nonfat vanilla chai lattes in big mugs with a book, journal, or friend sitting in front of me.
there's nothing like this combo, which comes in a variety: but this is my escape. (shhh don't tell) i love going somewhere with a big book or friend, a warm cup of joe, and diving into dialogue, processing, or truth.

--great music perfectly paired with a run/walk outside or driving on a beautiful day with the windows down.
music stirs my soul whether it be worship or my favorite coldplay song. either way, there is something about the wind or the heat from the sun on your skin while feeling almost free from the worries of this world.

--chocolate chip cookies and laughter.
simply put. nothing beats the preparation, cookie dough "testing" stage, and final product. combine with friends you love deeply and you will find yourself in some of the best memories.

--hearing about people's passion and what fires them up.
passion. zeal. it fires me up. get me in a conversation with someone talking deeply about their passions and i will become the giddiest person alive. dream big and don't settle. the Lord is the creator of our hearts and our desires, so chase hard after them with faith.

--running in the rain without any distraction. just you, the pavement, your stride, and God's creation.
if you haven't tried it, you should. there is something about falling rain (beware of lightning - probably not the best idea) coupled with a nice jog that clears your head and makes you forget the distance you have gone. you might get some crazy stares from people driving by, but really, who cares?!

if you can think of something that really makes you feel alive, do tell. i'm always looking:)

live with passion and boldness today. this life is short enough as it is and if you are not living with purpose and conviction, seek hard to find it. He is enough. He is truly enough.

give and take.

it has been an interesting week so far. this weekend we found out that my sister, megan could be having landry at any time. new life being born so soon. a breath of air breathed deeply into the life of a beautiful girl by a Father who loves her far more than any earthly man or woman could. in the same weekend, we heard news that a close family friend and "almost second daughter" to my dad lost the battle with cancer late Saturday night. at only 32 years of age, Kelly went to be with our Lord leaving two beautiful girls under the age of 7 behind here on earth. To me this week is such a paradox. The Lord giving new life to our family and yet taking away another precious life to be with Him far earlier than planned by our own eyes. 

death is such a hard concept to grasp. it is not natural and it is not easy. i remember back a few years ago when david passed away, i wanted to be angry at the Lord for all of the pain and hurt i was feeling. i was looking for someone to blame. ultimately, we don't know why the Lord chose to take kelly or david home to be with him this early, but we do know that the Lord is good and He is faithful. i believe, sometimes the Lord takes a life in order to draw others closer to Him. i know the only way i was able to process and grieve through the loss of david was to see the amount of people who were spurred on and drawn to the cross of Christ in that time. it is a blessing for me to know that ultimately david completed on this earth what his life dream and goal was. i remember a specific conversation on valentine's day at cold stone in college station my freshman year talking to david and hearing about his previous battle with cancer before his present remission. i asked him if he was ever scared about the cancer coming back (just a month before it returned). his response with confidence and without waver was "if the Lord could bring one more person to Christ by me going through cancer again then I would go through it over and over for His Glory alone". Ultimately, i know of around 17 people who would not be walking intimately with our Lord if they had not walked through David's final bout with cancer. 

this week just serves as such a paradox in my life. He has taken Kelly early to be with Him, and yet in a few short days we will be experiencing new life with landry entering the world. this is such a reminder that the Lord's plan is perfect, and our day are numbered. events like these define your life, in the sense that they make you stop in your tracks and reevaluate what is important and vital in this life. above all, the gospel and our work for the eternal kingdom is of the most importance in this life, so i pray that we might take this reminder to spur us on to speak Truth and Love to others around us. He is to be glorified, He is to be praised, and He is to be trusted in these hard times of suffering and in these new stages of life. He alone is good, and loves us far more than we deserve. 

so we celebrate a life lived well and wait in anticipation for the start of another's journey to knowing Him...

a tribute of thanksgiving..

holidays.. yes. it's that time of year. in approximately one week (give or take a day), we will be celebrating one of the best holidays in our country: thanksgiving. a time to reflect. a time to remember. a time to give thanks. so in order to commemorate and do this holiday justice but also keep the blog on a lighter note (i have a tendency to delve deeper), i will rattle off jennifer's top ten things she is thankful for but usually doesn't make the official list in 2008..

#1 headbands

to start it off lightly, i don't know what i would do without a good sturdy headband for those messy hair days. nothing pulls a "[hair]do-disaster" out of the dumps better than a cute piece of metal preferably with a flower or an object asymmetrically placed on the side. it has been known to take an outfit from good to great. i love wikipedia even more for the following description of headbands:

"During the 1980s, headbands were associated with rock and roll music, particularly with Bruce Springsteen, Olivia Newton-John, and Mark Knopfler. In Japanese culture, hachimaki headbands may symbolise determination or devotion." - Direct correlation: In Grease Olivia Newton-John showed determination in her hit single "You're the One that I want!"

#2 wii

this invention is something that i have recently become thankful for. my brother and megan bought the wii over the weekend. of course, we used this game to put our sibling rivalry to the test.. a little competition never hurt anybody. after playing tennis, bowling, boxing, baseball, golf... i was 1) starting to perspire from the video game workout (seriously?) 2) satisfied beyond belief for being able to beat my brother in bowling, boxing, and golf. ladies and gentleman, the playing field has finally been levelled. thank you wii for bringing back healthy competition in the leftwich family and also a great workout for my arms (still sore).

#3 holiday cups at starbucks

very few things early in the morning put me in a better mood than the Christmas adorned cups from Starbucks.. stop by and visit your local barista today... "grande soy chai latte"- hot and ready to get you just in the spirit for the season (note: you will be supporting the man in this endeavor, but it is worth it in this season of love)

#4 sassy samone

if you don't know what i'm talking about, then i will enlighten. sassy samone has been my faithful companion for two years now. she is my charcoal Xterra who has driven to missouri and back, my family's cabin in new mexico, as well as all over the state of texas. she has never experienced a break down and has had her fair share of curb checks. she's the perfect companion for those days you just need to drive. (made possible more often with the lower gas prices, thank goodness) she's also very supportive when you are needing that partner in spontaneous action and always willing to be a part of the ride. sassy samone, thank you for your patience with my driving and from as my dad says "getting me from point a to point b"

#5 iTunes playlists/mixes

one of my all time favorite things is making cd mixes for friends. i love finding good music, placing similar sounds on a cd together, then blaring in sassy samone on the way to work while watching the sunrise. there is something about a good song that moves me. i associate memories, both good and bad, with music and songs that i listened to during that time. this past semester i remember feeling so at peace in a coffee shop in college station when i was sitting there, journalling about some frustrations in my life, when all of a sudden, "let it be" by the beatles came on. no, the beatles are not a god. but, something about that song moved me and spurred me to continue digging deeply and reflecting on all He has done.

#6 school crosswalk volunteers

this one might surprise you, but my senior year in college, i picked up a girl from elementary school every day and was her nanny. on the way to school i would pass this old man with his glasses and cowboy hat standing on the street by the crosswalk of another school we passed waiting for kids to cross. it never failed that everyday when i passed he would be there, raise his arm, and give me a million dollar smile with his strong wave. it always made me feel warm inside. to this day one of my favorite random things about college station.

#7 twilight

some of you are hating this right now. yes, i was sucked into this crazy following that is the twilight book series. but i will tell you this: i'm not crazy like most. go to youtube and you will find many personal fan-created videos with sappy love songs and clips from previews. i have not gone that far with my liking of this. you will not see me in the movie theater sobbing in the previews because i will finally meet my edward cullen. no, i will go see the movie. i will finish the series, quite quickly, might i add. but i love twilight, because it has reinstated my love and passion for reading. i love these books and getting in bed, cuddled up in sweats, and reading for hours until who knows what time. there is something to be said for losing track of time as a cause of a good book. thank you stephenie meyer.

#8 yogalicious

a new addition to the west village development and conveniently only 2 minutes from my work. this hot spot has 10 different self serve yogurts where you will choose your yogurt (cookies & cream/blueberry are my personal favorites) and add your toppings to it, whatever you like. (i recommend the raspberries and blueberries). you pay by the ounce so it is all up to you. might i also add that there is like 30 calories in an ounce. it is divine and dangerous.

#9 nieces

it is only fitting that i am thankful for my beautiful niece who is on the way: miss landry kay leftwich. i cannot wait to meet her, teach her some dance moves, and play all night while mommy and daddy have date night. she is coming in a mere 2 months and i could not be more ecstatic.

#10 worthwhile reality tv

when i say worthwile, i am referring to heroes and the office. although these shows are wildly different, they are both genius in production. heroes gets weirder by the episode, but yet when you are watching it you feel like the most intelligent person in the room trying to put it all together and seeing who sylar will kill or love next. the office on the other hand has finally put an "office space-esque" spin on real life. the satire, the jokes, the awkwardness... we thrive on it, because it seems so very real and yet we can relate to it. these shows are the only two (besides so you think you can dance and lost) that i have gotten into and don't mind taking time out of my day to watch. thank you nbc.

there you have it: a very random accumulation of things you don't normally find on a "thankful" list. in all honestly, i am thankful for where the Lord has me, what He has given, what He has taken, and feel immensely blessed by who He has surrounded me with. thank you for blessing my life. thank you for supporting me in my transition drama. thank you for being used. i'm thankful for this next season the Lord is directing. thank you for reading my novel of a post. if you got down to the bottom, please comment with anything truly great and overlooked that you think belongs on my list. until then, peace out.

sassy.

friendships. they are so good. in one minute they understand you when you are crying, and in another minute they make you laugh hysterically.

Exhibit A:

friends are supportive. there when you need them the most. there when you are freaking out about something so small and are hyperfocused on something because it is the "end of the world" and "life won't go on". i still remember my first summer at kanakuk after david's funeral, going back to kabin 17 at kanakuk for the last five days of first term. my girls had draped all of their bras around the room and put signs everywhere that stated "we support you, jenn", "lift a sister up" "we're here to support you" ha. that was so clever and yet, so hilarious. 

i look at my community of people the Lord has surrounded with me with. from my incredible, stable, and solid family that i grew up with who showed me the love of Him first before anything else. then i see the group of girls the Lord surrounded me with in high school. man, we could laugh and be silly. and yet, there were two that challenged me to grow in my faith and truly served as friends that were like "iron sharpening iron". i remember thinking i could never have friends closer than these friends. then i ventured off to college station and there i met so many incredible, different, diverse people who challenged me to think for myself, seek truth, and believe it fully. these people allowed me to let down, reveal my insecurities, be NOT okay, and to live and love deeply in my relationships. now post college world. i REALLY never thought i could find friends deep who were anything like those in college station. i'm still growing deeper with these friendships but the Lord has immensely blessed me with girls who are seeking truth deeply. they are supportive and have hearts to be the hands and feet of our Father. i have been blessed with girls who are not okay with just sitting back and being spectators of the faith. they are willing to get their hands dirty. the first to give up a saturday and serve. the first to help one another out on a mission trip or give to something they are passionate about. God is good. He knows my heart. He knows my need right now in those hard days for deep, meaningful, and spirit-filled convos. He knows my hurts, my pains, my desires. sometimes He leads us to a fire, to an uncomfortable place, to a refining state. yet He never leaves. He never forsakes us. INSTEAD, He holds our hand in the fire. He takes us to a place where we are too uncomfortable on our own. to a place we must lean on Him for guidance, for rest, for direction. that is faith. that is where trust comes into play. not knowing what the next two months might look like and even though right now might be a little hard, He's got it. He sees my life in totality. and He has held me thus far. the Lord is good and worthy of far more credit than we give Him. I look forward to the day i can look back and say "there is no way i could have gotten through that or be where i am today besides the Lord's grace". He is good. He is faithful. He is all we need.

life lately..

has been insane. I am transitioning into this post-college, professional lifestyle and keep having these moments where i still feel like i am "playing" adult life. It doesn't seem real that i could be this old, but also I always thought that the end of college would be the end of good times. I think this is because college is hyped up so much, and you always hear people saying "man, college is the best!" "remember that time in college... that's the best time in your life". I was kinda cynical and bitter because of hearing these statements growing up and throughout my past 4 years. What's awesome is that there have definitely been broken and hard times in the past 6 months, but it has been some of the most exciting times in my life! Let me explain..

1. Brokenness
i know it sounds crazy, but i love not knowing where life is leading (sometimes). And for the first time I feel like the Lord is giving me a broken heart for the lost around me instead of me judging them. it is so refreshing and exciting to see the "light" in the darkness and see the "peace" in Him that transcends all understanding. there is something beautiful in the breakdown (thank you, imogen heap)

2. Community
I have been extremely blessed from my living situation to my small group of girls and other aggie girls i am surrounded with in d-f-dub area. living with katy and lauren has been a place of continual rest, continual laughter, and continual baking/dance parties. then my small group of girls have really challenged me to be vulnerable, honest, real, and not say "the things we should always say around church people" at Bible study. it is exciting to be truly known and to know each other deeply in our struggles an dour hurts. Let's be honest, we all want to be known in some shape or form, so i know i wouldn't survive without this community and they keep me going during my hard work weeks. (and bring me chik-fil-a treats when i haven't eaten dinner:D) the best.

3. Coffee
I know this is going to sound random. Coffee is an INTEGRAL part of my life right now. I am obsessed with a coffee shop called crooked tree in uptown about 8 minutes from my work. (i've timed it) I have always wanted to become a regular somewhere and this past week I had my life-defining moment where it happened. I walked in and Joshua, the barista, said, "Your hair looks different today, and good. Vanilla chai, nonfat?" Even if it was a small gesture, it felt good to be known yet again. :) Also, over the past 2 weeks, carly, lauren and i have been dreaming a dream and are pretty excited about opening a college town coffee shop in the next few years.... oh my gosh. i'm so excited to see what will turn out and we did a little market research this morning over a pumpkin scone... absolutely glorious.

4. Books
For the first time in awhile, I have been able to read for pleasure and forgot how much i love curling up in my sweats in my bed and reading for hours. I have already read Same Kind of Different as Me and am currently working on A Severe Mercy. Both so good. But i have to confess, which this will be embarassing, that i have gotten sidetracked by another good book Twilight. Coming to theaters near you, very very soon:)

5. Scarves, Heaters, Pumpkin Spice Lattes
I'm excited to have a REAL fall/winter. I feel more at home in Dallas, because cold weather has finally made its visitation and it is finally time to get excited about the holiday season. To be honest, it was very hard to be excited about thanksgiving in College Station when you are wearing a t-shirt and shorts walking around. There is something to be said for the feeling of walking outside with a scarf wrapped twice around your neck, holding a decadent, warm pumpkin spice latte in hand, and climbing in a warm car.

6. Cookie dough, conversations, chill nights
I feel like i have some of the best conversation and quality time with people sitting on my couch, eating spoonfuls of deliciousness, and laughing one minute to talking deeply about life, struggles, loves, dreams, and work. Man, God is so good.

I'm sure I'll add to the list more, but I wanted to give an update on life, since I have been a litte lax on blogging as of late. As for now, I'm back to work then to High School Musical 3 tonight after. Yeah, don't judge. You know you secretly have been getting "Your Head In the Game" to go see the film. i've got my vocal cords ready to sing along with the 2,000 teeny boppers who will be there tonight... until then, live life and love radically today because you have been given breath. seize it! peace.

for those tough days..

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

may i remember this on those days where i feel alone, and am surrounded by darkness. this war is eternal. may i strive for truth, strive for light, and not succumb to the pressures of becoming comfortable in my flesh and in this world. may i be bold in proclaiming His Goodness and care about those around me enough to share truth, love, and light with him.

late night thoughts.

things that stir my affections for Him:

1. being still and reflecting

2. journaling at crooked tree

3. coffee

4. early to bed and early to rise

5. phil wickham/bethany dillon/good music

6. sunrises and sunsets

7. long walks/runs outside

8. the bridge

things that pull me away:

1. the inability to say "no"

2. wasted hours of internet/tv

3. lack of sleep

4. trying to make a joke at the expense of something else

5. busyness/scheduling my life with too many "dates"

6. money/greed

may i saturate my life with the above and war with my flesh on the second list. may i know myself better than the enemy does: by looking at those nooks, those hidden places where i wish to forget about and view myself in a better light. may i be aware of my struggles, my flesh, my filth, and be uncomfortable with the presence of it in my life. may i stop seeking the approval of others and look to the One who truly matters. may the Lord guide my steps and speak through me on those rough days. may this body be fully dependent on Him, the author and perfecter of my life, whom breathed life into me and i was alive. praise Him. i am truly His.

closure

today is the last official day of my internship. official being, the internship program is done at Tom Landry, but since i go to a&m and they require ridiculous amounts of hours i still have two more days. in honor of closure and finishing this chapter of my life i thought i would honor those people i have worked with the past 3 months.

the gorgeous 7 acre park with a running trail. so beautiful and relaxing. my first friday here on my 22nd birthday we had a huge employee appreciation picnic in this park. imagine 6000 Baylor employees, circus clowns, rap music, food, and picture buttons. entertaining to say the least.

here is personal training at its best:) this is the sweetest old man who let us take a picture of him during his workout. we goof around a lot and let me tell you this was quite the funny pic.

here is the actual facility. beautiful beautiful. lots of laughter, practical jokes, and fun.

this is becca. one of the interns. her face sums up our experience together. we are goofy, hilarious, and lots of fun. we laugh at least once a day and all come from such different backgrounds. the Lord has stretched me so much this summer and shown me how to love others who are different than i am. one of the interns is an outspoken atheist, and i have loved being able to talk to all of them and hopefully show them a different love, the love of Christ, that transcends all knowledge.

here is christina. the other girl intern. we went to the Texas Rangers game followed by an Eli Young concert. such a blast. this summer has been a gift and i have loved every second of it. the Lord knew where He had me and i know this next stage of life is going to be adventure.

i'm going to stop. i'm getting super sentimental. just some insight into my life over the past couple months. peace.

changes. ch ch changes.

So, i'm feeling really broken right now. i just keep crying a whole lot and can't stop. Did you ever go through a time like that?? I cried on the way to work, cried on the way to Starbucks, started crying walking into tom landry this morning.. i'm feeling incredibly broken right now and it's a beautiful thing but so hard too. i have been praying or just thinking about how i have wanted the Lord to soften my heart and make it weak to His touch. I want to love what He loves, strive for what matters, and see daily, minute by minute, the opportunities He has laid out before me. i just can't stop crying and i think that's also a mixture of exhaustion as well as brokenness.

I am starting to realize more and more how much this life is pressed for time. time is an issue for everyone. "Oh, I just can't do that. I don't have enough time." "Wow. I'm just way too busy. Sorry." "I'm exhausted right now. I just don't have the time to do that." Everyone is busy in their own mind. We all think that what we have is more important than someone else. Its so selfish and sickening to say that, but it is so true. I realize, even more recently, that the more my time gets squeezed, sometimes the harder it is to say no to people I care about and make time for reading and alone time. Even when i want to read, sometimes i get a sudden case of ADD where i can't focus and i can't open my Bible. Or there is the other extreme when all of a sudden I just want to diagnose myself with a bad case of narcolepsy. Either way, I see how important and vital my time is with my growth as a woman hoping to become more like Him. With this importance, it is evident that the enemy wants to distract, busy, and attack any attempt of time pursuing Him. I have felt this and I'm sure you have to at some point or another. Just some thoughts on struggles recently..

Speaking of busy times, this month is going to be crazy. I feel as if I'm not going to even stop and have a chance to process all of the changes. (cue music "changes.. ch ch changes") I will list you out just what it looks like:

*6 more days of internship, including presentation to the entire staff on Thursday.
*Drive to College Station and final presentation as well as portfolio. (Monday-Tuesday)
*Drive back the next day and move into my new apartment:) (Wednesday)
*Drive back to College Station the next day (Thursday) and get ready for graduation.
*Graduate 9 a.m. from Texas A&M. College = Officially over.
*Family Surprise Weekend Getaway (Friday afternoon through Sunday evening)
*Drive back to Dallas with Jay and Meg (Sunday)
*Start training at Equinox, the real world J-O-B (Wednesday)

So, all of this rambling, and yes it was rambling. Maybe my ADD carried over from my quiet time. Anyways, all of this to say, pray for me in this time. Hopefully, I will process all of this eventually. And if you see me and I might seem a little out of it, just know either i'm ADD or just going through a lot:)

the new life.

wow. all i can say is wow. i went home this weekend to lubbock to spend some time with the family, a much needed break from the "real" world. it is so crazy to see life flying by and the aging process so evident and so clear. this weekend it hit me: i am now officially an adult. as one of my best friends from high school would say: "we're in the decade of marriage and mortgages". this past month has been filled with a lot of changes and surprises. one of which being that i am going to be an AUNT and could not be more excited!!! however, it was the strangest thing this weekend sitting around the dinner table coming up with names for my parents to be called. they are going to be grandparents and my grandparents are going to be great grandparents and all i can think while we're talking about all of this is: i still feel like i'm 16. i can't believe life, time, memories, years have passed us by so fast. it is such a reality check and goes to show that we are not here for forever. i am 22 years old, applying for full time jobs, looking to start a career and support myself and the question i keep on asking myself is "Lord, where's the next step?" life is passing by fast and as i sat at home this weekend getting the run down on benefits and compensation packages, i realized that the Lord is constant. He is faithful. His grace is sufficient, and He is everything i need. our time here is limited, and you never know how long you are going to be here. so, what am i doing today? how am i viewing my life? what's my perspective? my brother gave me great advice.. whose lenses are you looking through on a daily basis? and the truth is i'm usually looking through mine. i am so sickened by my selfishness and the fact that i see how others may serve me or what's going to benefit me most. how much more beautiful it is to see the Lord a part of every aspect of life whether it be in your relationships and conversations at work or serving your roommates without them knowing. i don't know about y'all but i am a huge and total mess. i stink at being disciplined. i'm so selfseeking in so many ways, but you know what that is what is so beautiful about grace. it is not something to take as a license but yet to live freely in. this time in my life is so uncertain, and it is so hard to trust and be patient with where the next phase of my life will be going. all i know is that He is good, He has never left me nor betrayed me. He has me in His Hand and is holding on tight. what a beautiful journey this next step is...